And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.

2012 was a good year for me. It seems strange to say that. I got laid off in early 2012, I swore off online dating sometime last March and my best friend's dad died. But I found a job that didn't make me cry most days, I used the time and energy I had been using on OkC and first dates to do things that made me happy instead and well, there's  no positive spin on a parent dying. I said it was a good year, I definitely didn't say it was perfect. Nothing is coming easy in wrapping up this year. I don't know why. I want to say I didn't have any grand realizations or startling epiphanies, but I don't think that's true. I know I learned things. I know I made changes. I continued the process of settling into myself which seems like it isn't really a thing. I want to say "this year, I became even more myself" but it seems so self evident. It's not though, right? Becoming yourself is hard. Stripping away the concepts of what you should do or the notions of what you're expected to do and listening to what things truly make you happy is surprisingly fucking hard.

I'm reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking right now, and a lot of it is confirming things I already know about myself but a lot of it also making me really examine the parts of myself I respect and the parts I don't. It's had me reexamining my career through a different lens. I put a lot of effort in my early twenties into being good at being a fake extrovert because I got tired of being told I was intimidating or came off bitchy at first when really I'm just slow to warm up and pretty fucking shy. I don't think there's anything wrong with fake extroversion but I've been coming around to thinking of it more as a tool and less as the person I'm supposed to be. I had a lot of quiet time this year. I learned how much better I focus without netflix on in the background and with tweetdeck off. I learned that I am actually totally fine with there being musicless days in the kitchen. I stopped focusing on relationships with acquaintances and formed some really close, real friendships this year because that's something I'm actually much better at.

For a long time I kind of abandoned service work because it wasn't something people around me were super interested in and because I didn't want to come off as too much of a pious goody two shoes. Yes, that is correct. I though that if I went on a volunteering spree people might judge me negatively for being a good person. I don't know, maybe some people have. Who fucking cares because I'm happy and the world is a better place. Like most things in life, it turns out the people that care about you are excited and supportive because the people that actually matter want you to be happy.

2012: The year where I learned the obvious truths.

I spent a lot of time reading in 2012. I scheduled a lot of down days. I saw some fantastic concerts. I watched more tv than I'd like to admit and I still haven't found a yoga studio that I love (2013 pro tip: try actively looking). I'm starting the year stripping away things that aren't making me actively happy and adding more of the things that are. That is, really, my only goal for the year- to give myself permission to go after the things I really want and to say no to things I don't really want.

Nobody will be surprised to learn my word for the year is "Timshel".

Signs You Watch too Much SciFi TV

Me: What's going on in Dollhouse?
Lara: Helo's just talking to Badger about some fund transfer

Only marginally better than what my response would've been

"Helo is talking to the  crazy lawyer with the dead cat"

Or perhaps mine is better because it only references Battlestar whereas Lara's references both Battlestar and Firefly...

Thank god this fabled 6th episode is, so far, a million times better than the first 5 though

I just don't know what to do with myself

I'm officially bored with watching "What not to Wear". I never thought it would be possible. It might just be because I'm sick, and focusing on anything while I'm sick is impossible. I always think that I'll be able to spend the day reading when I'm sick. Yeah, that might be true if I read more "beach reading" types of books, but somehow my tonsil swollen, fevery self can't quite make it through a page of Anna Karenina right now. Surprising, I know. Then I think, "yes, sick days, this is why television was invented!" but you  know what... daytime TV fucking sucks. Yep, a lot. I have On Demand and I'm still done with it- though I did watch "Seven Year Itch" this morning purely because I've never seen it and it seemed like something to do... and it was in the free movie section. So far the only things I've actually enjoyed today are eating the popsicles Lara so kindly provided me with this morning and listening to music just a wee too loud. (That's right... f you upstairs neighbors and your late night battle hymn of the republic blasting ways... I'm sick and you are going to have to listen to the Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist soundtrack... yeah I know you're probably not home...) Oh, and this whole writing thing seems to working okay as a thing to do at the moment. I am, however, aware that a blog post talking about how being sick sucks is... well... kind of obnoxious. I'm pretty sure we're all aware that being sick sucks.

For me, it's another reminder that I no longer have a significant other. So far I've been doing pretty ok working out this whole single thing. It hasn't been that hard to learn to function as a solitary human being. But when you're sick and in a relationship you get used to having someone listen to you bitch, calling to check in, renting mindless movies for you, fetching your popsicles for you so you don't have to leave the couch, snuggling you when you just can't get warm, kissing you all better, just sitting next to you being a comforting presence... so here is my second obvious truth of this entry,  being sick and single sucks (this might be my third if you count the statement that daytime TV sucks).

Now, I'd just like to clarify here, that I'm not the type of girl that often lets her self be taken care of or constantly relies on other people. I've always prided myself on my self sufficiency, possibly to the point of fault, and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that right now, I would really really like to have somebody to take care of me.

Yup, it's taken me a whole month to come to the realization that I'm probably not ever going to be one of those "single and happy" people. I thought maybe I could be but I just don't think it's going to work out that great for me.

At least I have Pilot and a roommate that buys me popsicles before going to work.
IMG_0301

Also, a job where I get to pause before finishing the pear pie to take this:
IMG_0306