So when I wrote "My Mom's Friend Matt, Part One" Matt told me I should write about the conversation he had with my mother in which she tried to convince him to date me. But seeing as I didn't have that conversation I told him he would have to write about it. So here it is, the long awaited "Part two". All the conversations between Matt and my mother were written by Matt, all the rest is me filling in the other side.
"Dude Matt, you should totally date my daughter."
(Yes, this is really how Alana's mother speaks. To me at least.)
"Oh yeah? Why's that?"
"Well,you're a nice guy. She needs to date a nice guy. She's been dating this
total douchebag; it's time for her to date a nice guy. You should date
"Ok ... "
"No really. She's smart, and she knows what she wants, and she's really cool, and she's not crazy-"
"Wait, how could your daughter, not be crazy?"
"Look, she's not the kind of crazy you usually date. And anyway,
she's HOT. Like I used to be ... believe it or not,
I was hot once. So yeah, she's hot, and she cooks and stuff. She's got
this blog, it's called 'Butter is Love', and she's got this other one
that talks about personal stuff, that one is 'Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm
Indie and You're Punk.' Just google that shit, it's the first hit. Go
check it out."
"OK, so not only are you trying to get me to date your daughter, but you're encouraging me to cyberstalk her?"
Text message conversation. Notice which of us uses full words and punctuation...
"Matt says he is cyber stalking u on facebook. And 'it would be a priveledge to meet her'. And he know yer boyfriend. And doesn't like him much"
"What? Really? That is weird"
"He did go to El Molino but says he can't find u in his yearbook. And u look cute in an apron"
I start looking through my pictures on facebook and realize that there are no super recent pictures of me with an apron but there are a shit ton. Seriously, I wear aprons a lot. And then I start thinking he must really be in depth facebook stalking me if he got that far into my pictures. Or you know, my mother could've told him about my blogs, without me knowing.
"Well, not being able to find a picture of 14 year old me is probably for the best."
"Perhaps. Anyway. His name is Matt M------- and he says his facebook page has a picture of him sitting on the tailgate of a pickup with a sawed off shotgun, but don't let that fool u. I told u he likes guns..."
"Ok, I'll stalk him back"
"You are right. He's cute. I'm in."
Here's something interesting that happened to me today. When I ran into
your mom this evening, she explained to me that she'd spent "a car
ride" trying to convince her daughter meet me.
seldom been told that "I need to meet" someone in any capacity other
than that I might find them to be quirky or something, I gave
absolutely no thought whatsoever to how strange that might actually be.
told me (you might be pleased to hear) all sorts of wonderful things
about you. What's more, is that she proclaimed she could further prove
all of these things by directing me to "blogs and twitter and the El
Molino yearbook, and stuff." Not seeing any other way than to be a
creepy asshole, I engaged in the time honored pass time of creepy
assholes everywhere, and looked up someone I've never met on the
And lo and behold here I am, sending a message to
someone I've never met, trying desperately to think of something to say
that's appropriate for a situation I've never been in before. :) Kinda
Anyway, I read a part of your blog. It was
really interesting and well written (you probably know this); I started
feeling like a total creeper though on account of how honest it was. I
suppose it would've been different if it was someone I never intended
to meet, or someone I'd already met, but I felt a little off about
reading gobs of (what seem to me to be) really open commentary about
someone who probably knows little or nothing about me. So, since so
much of you is freely available for the reading (I'm wondering how many
points I lost for my shotgun) it's only fair for me to at least try to
explain a little about who I am.
So I'm 25. I grew up in west
Sonoma County, primarily on an apple ranch. Went to Forestville School
(GO VIKINGS!) and El Molino (GO LIONS!). I live in Santa Rosa now, out
in Rincon Valley, about half a block down from where your mom lives. I
go to the JC (GO BEAR CUBS!). Since high school I've worked in
construction, logging, and I did a stint as a professional online
gambler. I have this one pair a leather flip-flops that all my redneck
friends make fun of me for wearing, but I don't care. They also make
fun of me because I talk to my cat like it's a person, but I don't care
about that either. I drive a super junky old Ford Taurus that's light
blue, but everyone says it's periwinkle blue, which they seem to think
is really really funny. They call my car the Periwinkler (GO ME!). I
have running hot water. I live with one of my best friends and his
girlfriend, who is also a close friend of mine. I love music, even if
some of my musical choices attract criticism from my more cynical
friends (like Simon and Garfunkle). I'm a bit of night owl. I'm
impartial to long walks on the beach. One time my grandpa towed my
truck home with his tractor ... they were both Fords. I'm constantly
fixing my friend's computers. My favorite restaurant use to be Equus
before they fucked everything all up.
Believe me, I've got many
many more useless pieces of information about myself (which I'm sure
you'd be absolutely thrilled to hear about), but I'll spare you. I hope
I've at least partially made up for the fact that I had absolutely
nothing worthwhile on my Facebook page. Hopefully it's also somewhat
made up for the fact your first picture of me you saw was me sitting on
my friend's tailgate holding a shotgun (which was about three years ago
... by and by). Trust me, if I had a picture of me running out of a
burning house with armloads of puppies, I would've quickly made that my
default picture. Sadly no one was there that day.
I've made this a little less strange, or at least made a total ass out
of myself, which sometimes can have to same effect. My phone number is ***-****, maybe you'd like to grab some coffee sometime?
I read this message and have a minor heart attack. Seriously? Awesome. My mom is like, here look, read about my daughter being neurotic and drunkenly sleeping with people, that'll totally make you want to date her... I swear, only my mother...
"Maybe if you're going to set me up on a date you shouldn't tell the guy about my blog in which I write about being a crazy floozy... Just sayin'"
"He thinks ur adorable. He says the picture in the apron and the dead animal thing are really hot"
"He sent me a pretty amusing message on facebook, so I'm willing to forgive you."
"Matt was impressed that u don't just blog about 'Oh, I like shoes, airhead airhead, etc'. Although I pointed out that you do like shoes..."
"Ur blog is FANTASTIC"
"Oh. And he's sitting right here in my living room..."
"Did you facebook him back?"
[Present are Matt, Siobhan, and perhaps two other people.]
"Oh man," *yawn* "I am tired." Understandably so, it was early ... ish.
"Oh yeah? Up all night fucking my daughter?" Followed by the kind
of laughter that can only come as a result of embarrassing not only one
of the people present, but also one of your children in absentia.
"So you're luring my daughter to your lair already?"
"Well it was either go out to eat, or eat something here. Plus, I've got hella movies."
"Oh Jesus, I don't wanna know that. I don't want to know about you breaking the bed." etc. etc. etc.
"Just use protection."
"Too much information Matt."
"You fucking sicko. I said movies. movies. M-O-V-I-E-S. MOV-I-ES. Films."
[also via text]
"Awww, Alana sent me a cute message." -M
"Stupid fucking iPhone autocorrect ..." -S
Really, Mother? Really? Really? No, seriously, REALLY?
"I feel like since I can read all about your dating history on the internet, I should tell you about mine."
Of course, my mother had already given me a brief synopsis (God knows what my mother has told us about each other that each of us has no idea about...) but I want to hear the story straight from the horses mouth. I get the details on the crazy bitches and the not knowing what they want.
"I know what I want and right now it looks an awful lot exactly like this. I'm not the kind of guy that's going to do a bunch of shit right away so you'll date me and then never do it again. I'm not going to treat you differently in front of my friends. I'm not the kind of person that's going to freak out at six months. I'm a simple kind of guy, what you see is what you get... and it's all yours."