I've been in my head a lot lately. My evenings consist of lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling while listening to albums all the way through. It might surprise you to know that I was out of touch with music for a while. It's only in the last year and a half I've gotten back into this habit. I think I let it go trying to distance myself from one relationship and conform to the next. I guess if I'm thankful for anything in this year and a half (AND COUNTING) break from serial monogamy it's learning what things I value without the influences of somebody else's love or hate for them. So I've become a reader again and a yogi again and a music lover again. Or really, I've just settled into myself. That's how I feel most of the time, settled. Not settled in a trapped way, not settled in my life or location but settled in myself.
The past while I've been unsettled. My body goes through the motions while my mind is lost building castles in Spain. Mulling. I've been doing a lot of mulling lately. Trying to figure out where the discontent is coming from. Which often means trying to figure out where the contentment is coming from or, more accurately, what I've liked enough to feel some vulnerability.
What are you running away from before it can disappoint you this time, Alana Margaret?
I don't know how to find balance. I feel my feelings unabashedly, overwhelmingly, or function wholly on logic. After a few weeks of being intensely feelings-y and letting my heart lead, I woke up this morning and realized I didn't want any part in it. I don't know what happened. I woke up and thought "you want this thing, but the likelihood of this thing being possible is small, so stop wanting it" and immediately felt back in my right mind. I still want the thing, but it's pushed to it's own little corner of my mind until I hopefully forget about it and move on. Compartmentalization. Detachment. Those are my strong suits.
Every boy I've ever dated is right. If it's any consolation, guys, I don't know where I go either.
I terrify myself (I think I realized this when I came to terms with how much I had absolutely no trouble relating to Katniss).
And I'm still not back to being settled.