What's love got to do with it?

Feelings

I have been so cranky lately. The actual crankiest. Even I'm starting to get annoyed with myself cranky. Days start out fine and then I get to work and look at the production list and it's just from happy to STAB STAB STAB in 30 seconds. Right now I spend the majority of most days making pasta and breadsticks. Don't get me wrong, it's really delicious pasta and grissini AND also was entirely the intern's job before the bakery was closed indefinitely and the intern went back to culinary school. So basically I get paid a sous chef's salary to do an intern's job. I could look at this as awesome, like "ha ha suckers, you're paying me waaay too much money to do this shit," but since the whole point of being a chef is to do something I love... I'm mostly bored out of my everloving mind and HATE my job right now, legit hate. And my boss hasn't been consulting me on recipe development or menu changes which was part of the deal when I took this job back. And I wasn't given make up days for days off in January, so I'm broke. Bored and broke.

This bored, broke and cranky as fuck version of me has been going on dates. I've even gone on three dates with the same guy. Here's the thing about being single for an entire year: at some point I mostly detached my emotions from relationships with boys. I am not saying I didn't feel things at all, that I didn't have crushes or fall in some serious like, but I kept the feelings at a distance. I lowered my expectations to "none". If you lower your expectations to none and are in the mood to be the bitchiest, most defensive of all bitches, dating is pretty weird. I mean, I'm going on dates because I want a boyfriend. Hands down, I like committed relationships, I want to be in a committed relationship, that's what I'm looking for. And then I'm all like "WHOA, what's with this being sweet and wanting to see me again soon and holding my hand in public, dude?".

I'm like a feral cat. Stick your hand out and I might come cautiously over and see what you're all about, but try to show me some affection? RUNNING AWAY NOW WILL BE BACK WHEN YOU BRING OUT THE FOOD (AND BY FOOD I MEAN WHISKEY).

I was on date three on Friday, it was after work and he was putting up with my crankiness pretty admirably. I did, at least, have the decency to apologize for my crankiness. We were sitting on a bench in the subway, his arm was around my shoulders and I was cranky and bristling and somewhat uncomfortable with it and suddenly a switch flipped. I had a moment with myself where I said "self, the only reason you're keeping this guy at a distance is because he's acting like he actually likes you and wants to date you, so what's the real problem? Let's just try letting the defenses down a little. Lean into this". I gave into it. I relaxed and rested my head against his shoulder. And that's how I spent the rest of the date, leaning into it. Happy that I could put a little hope, a little expectation there. Not a whole lot, just enough to change the dynamic a little, to offer up a little vulnerability.

Wading into the shallows to see if the water is pleasant enough to head out to the places that are too deep to stand.