Here's the things about compromising, it kind of becomes a tricky business. If you're not careful, it starts to look an awful lot like settling. Compromise is more about opportunity cost. It's about a conscious choice. Settling, I think settling is a little more like giving up.
But it's hard, when you're not happy, because settling for less than what you really want seems better than nothing at all. I'm starting to be pretty sure that's just depression being a lying bastard again though.
There were these five minutes, right, where I was just like "fuck this, it's drunken floozy time," because some human contact, some affection, I mean, it's better than none right? Mostly I thought this because I had the opportunity. A friend of a friend. He's cute and charming and funny and says things like "you have eyes the color of a country sky," which is both the most ridiculous thing anyone has half seriously said to me and it turns out kind of works on me as a line, at least if it's 3am and I've been drinking since 10:30, but then, most things do at that point.
(Side Note: It might also have to do with the person saying it, the other night a man asked if anyone had told me how beautiful I was tonight. Classic line that would've been amusing from a young guy but not from a pudgy fourty year old who later tried to put his arm around me. EVEN AT 4AM NOT OK)
Our first actual date was two days after meeting. And all the follow through and planning was him. That, plus his willingness to go on a date at 11:30pm on a Thursday after I got off work gave me some pretty high hopes. And I thought "No, this guy isn't what I really want, but I don't think I can have what I really want so maybe it's good enough and maybe I'll change my mind". I also thought "this guy is cute and charming and clearly knows it, he's going to be trouble".
I was right. After that first date... He initiates plans, he reschedules plans. He initiates plans, he reschedules plans. We're currently on round 3 of rescheduling. I don't initiate at all because guess what I seemed to have finally learned... Being jerked around? NOT ACTUALLY BETTER THAN NOTHING and DEFINITELY not better than getting some form of what you actually want. In case I had somehow forgotten this, I'm pretty sure there's basically about a year worth of blog posts to remind me that I used to be the kind of girl that put up with that bullshit, but I didn't even need to read them to know I was miserable then and I'm really not that girl anymore.
I get that guys that ask if it's "hard to walk around with such gorgeous eyes all the time" are not the guys that are looking to take somebody home to mom. That's fine. I mostly just wanted him to be a distraction from my endless work, home, sleep, never get to see friends cycle and maybe, maybe to get me over that gigantic crush that's been lingering on since, y'know, JULY. But instead I'm now all "OH MY GOD THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA EVER I LIKE THAT OTHER GUY SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU AND YOU ARE A SUPER GIGANTIC JERKFACE". Also, yes, obviously this guy has managed to hit on one of my BIGGEST pet peeves and it's not like he knew that, which was fine the first time. The third time? That's just sending the message you're just not that into me and I am not that into you, so maybe stop trying to make plans with me. Right?
So this is the one where I learn that:
a) Even though sometimes I feel like I'm writing posts I've already written a million times before, at least in some aspects, I've changed and respect myself a little more.
b) Settling? Not worth it. And if I'm still comparing, I'm still settling. Lesson learned. Hopefully.