So you might've noticed I've been a little depressed lately.
Or maybe a lot depressed.
It's always surprising how far you can get from normal before you realize it. And you never really realize quite how far gone you were until things start to equalize again.
Last month started off rough with my week of puppysitting that left an already drained me even more drained and exhausted and only seemed to go downhill from there.
There was A LOT of retail therapy. A LOT of drinking. A lot of poor impulse control. I almost got kicked out of a bar for the first time in my life. I almost went home with a stranger from a bar for the first time in my life. I couldn't stop crying on my commute to work. I ran off the N train to vomit on the tracks at Queensboro plaza on my way to work the morning after Halloween.
I was crashing and burning hard. And I knew it. But it's like I was outside myself watching. Every other sentence out of my mouth I was thinking "why the fuck did you just say that?". I just observed myself eat food that would make me feel like shit. I let myself down drink after drink to numb myself or relax or who the fuck knows what, knowing I would regret it the next morning.
I got to the point where I was treating my body like such crap and trying so hard to keep a smile on face that all the muscles around my right shoulder blade spasmed, my lower back was so tight that just sitting down was painful, everything I ate made me feel nauseous and my TMJ was so bad I didn't even want to eat in the first place. My insomnia was back in full swing, no doubt fueled by the alcohol and I was probably averaging about four hours of sleep a night. I seemed to be constantly be battling some sort of ear/throat infection.
I spent a fair amount of last week locking myself in bathrooms to quietly cry for a few moments before pulling myself back together. Until finally, Thursday, when I got in bed, I realized I only had to make it through one more day of work before a four day weekend, before I didn't have to keep any of it together anymore and that thought was so liberating that I just started sobbing. Sobbing like the world was ending. The big, heaving, choking sobs of a child. I made it through my short day on Friday. Again, going to bed and crying.
Saturday was my roommates' wedding and it was lovely and adorable and they looked so amazingly happy and I was so incredibly happy for them and still, there I was, stealing away to the bathroom to sob, blot my eyeliner, reapply my lipstick and then go back to the dancing.
Thankfully, Sunday rolled around and I spent the day in bed. Ordered in. Relaxed and spaced out with Hulu and Netflix instant watch knowing the next day I had a massage scheduled first thing and juice getting delivered later. I started to feel, if not happy, somewhat at peace, not bitter, not depressed, not like I was constantly at war with myself.
Monday I had my massage, came home and started my three day Blue Print Cleanse. I did the lowest level cleanse, but were I to do it again, I would probably do the intermediate because for some reason I had a really hard time getting down the Carrot, Apple, Beet juice that's in the basic cleanse even though it mostly was gingery delicious. I really wasn't hungry for most of the cleanse and I finally stopped feeling nauseous and bloated constantly. By Tuesday I was finally starting to really feel like a normal human being again. I cleaned my room, changed my sheets did a ridiculous amount of laundry and went to a yoga class that kicked my ass but in the best way possible.
Today, back at work, was ok. It was hard to resist the siren call of fresh baked bread in favor of juice, but I powered through. The day goes by a lot faster when my entire body doesn't hurt and really, right now, there's not that much to be stressed about, so work shouldn't be a big deal.
I don't think I feel like I'm at 100% yet, but I feel a lot less like I'm struggling to keep myself from a breakdown. It's good enough. For now.