I have this list I go through when I'm unhappy. Things I can change.

First, I always want to move.

Well, ok, first, I want to dye my hair.

I dyed my hair. I'm still not happy. Color me surprised. But my purple-y blue-y bangs are pretty AWESOME.

Then I want to move. But I don't want to move. I want to be right here. It's starting to feel like New York in the winter. Like ice skating and holiday display windows. It's snow in Central Park and nostalgia and my father and safety. It's everything I miss every year. I am 100% certain that even though I miss my family and the ocean and a good taco, I want to be here.

I always miss New York in the winter.

After moving, comes my job. Yes, that's the order. I tend to quit my jobs after I decide it's imperative for me to move. But as much as I might bitch about my job, I don't want to quit it. It has some things that I really love and DID I MENTION RUTH REICHL ATE MY CANDY BARS?!

Next down on the list is breaking up with my boyfriend, but I don't have a boyfriend with whom to break up. Problem.

So I think, I think we might be at the point of "wherever you go, there you are". I can't blame the place I live, my job or my relationship. I have to dig a little deeper. There's no easy fix or impulsive cure. I can't put this on anything other than myself.

I think we might be heading towards Plan Z. The plan where I admit I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and maybe I need to be a responsible adult and spend some time in therapy. It's been a while. And I've never had a therapist with whom I've really connected. But, y'know, therapy. Maybe medication or some behavioral modification. Maybe instead of self analysis, I let somebody else do it for me.

Maybe I admit I can't do it all on my own.


I don't know if I'm ready.