We all got old at break neck speed

"Relax, just relax" I find myself repeating in my head over and over again Sunday morning as I lie in bed convincing myself that I don't have to get up, that I don't have to go into work early, everything is under control. Because, really, everything was under control.

So I sat in bed falling into internet black holes. Took myself to brunch. Made myself wear jeans, a hoodie and my ratty old vans that shouldn't have even made the trip across country. I just decided to do all the things I would do if my whole body wasn't a mass of knotted up muscles and my brain wasn't filled with production lists and recipes. I told myself we were going to pretend we were relaxed if it fucking killed us. Fake it 'til you make it, baby.

There I was, all brunched up, wearing my casual Northern California uniform, sitting on the train still telling myself to breath, that it was a light day at work and finally, I felt it, I felt the tension leaving all my muscles, I felt all the walls go down and then there was ALL, and I mean ALL the emotion. I actually couldn't stop myself from crying. ON THE TRAIN. I was crying because I was relaxed. What the fuck is that?

And all I wanted in that moment was to be home. Home is where the heart is home. Redwood trees and ocean and my family. Relaxed me just felt so so so very vulnerable that it was terrifying.

I play things pretty close the chest. I emphasize the successful, career oriented, independent part of my personality as a shield when most of me is the me that cries at the news, smiles at animals and small children involuntarily and just wants to take care of people. This year, with spending so much time in new places and meeting new people, the harder walls are definitely back up and it's definitely starting to take a toll on me.

It's really abundantly clear to me that if relaxing makes me cry, I need to make some changes. Especially because my coping method for the last week involved me staying out until last call THREE times in the last week. Last call in New York is 4am. FOUR IN THE MORNING. That means I left bars between four and five. Yeah. Plus side, I actually had a great time all three of those times and am convinced I now know where to get the best whiskey sours in Manhattan. (Mother's Ruin, it's kind of hipster, ok, very hipster but, oh my god, I could drink those whiskey sours for hours. Ok, I drank those whiskey sours for hours, whatever)

Goals:

Yoga, 2-3 times a week. I'd like to go more, but I can fit that in if I commit to it.

NO going to work early, my shifts are ten hours long, if I need to go in early I actually need to be communicating better with my coworkers about what I need help with.

Lights out at 2am on work nights. (yes, I'm breaking that rule now, baby steps)

Instead of complaining about never being able to do things, ask for schedule changes if I really want to do things. (This is a really basic concept but I always feel horrible guilty when I ask for schedule changes and resentful when others just move around their schedule willy nilly, I want to change both of those things.) Weigh whether or nor it might be worth it. For example, my weekend this week is only one day because I rearranged my schedule to have off Michelle's wedding and the next day. Could I have worked the next day? Yes, but I'd really really rather not and this way I get a three day weekend. Having only Monday off so that I can then have Saturday, Sunday & Monday for my next weekend? Worth it.

More veggies, more protein, less carbs/eat at reasonable intervals instead of waiting until I'm at the point when I will stuff the first thing I see in my mouth which is usually housemade potato chips. Delicious and then I'm surprised that I don't really feel that great and am still hungry after I eat like ten handfuls. Weird, right? This probably means being better about keeping groceries in the house and avoiding eating family meal since the boys in the restaurant are on a super heavy cafeteria food kick for family right now and it makes me feel like shit almost every day.

That's it for now. I'm not asking more of myself because one of my other goals is to be more reasonable with myself.

Time to calm the fuck down.

Also, obsessed with this song tonight: