And I promise you, I'm doing the best I can

Warning: I'm about to rant a lot. It'll probably involve a lot of swearing. Yes, I'm aware there are things I should be thankful for. I don't fucking care right now. I feel stabby and I'm going to write it out. Because I am actually too frustrated with life right now to just have a crazy dance party by myself. And by myself I mean with this puppy that would probably spend the whole time trying to eat the clothing that's on my body while looking all innocent. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE UP TO WITH THOSE EYES PUPPY DOG.

So here's the thing about the puppy dog. I offered to watch it. I'm totally in the watching the dog situation of my own volition. And I love him. I mean he's a little fucking brat, and they have him on a schedule that makes his last walk of the day 11:30ish at night and his first walk of the day at 6:30 in the morning which is probably great if you're two people and by that I mean if you're the person that says, "honey, the dog needs to be walked" and rolls over and goes back to sleep. But you know what, I tried that this morning and it doesn't work as well if the person you're snuggling is actually just a pillow. So I'm really tired. Really fucking tired. Because I'm one person and 6:30 am is too early when most of my life I have to be a functioning working person from like two to midnight. Also she told me she would arrange a dogwalker to come once while I was working. Did she do that? No. The night before she gave me the number of two of her friends and a card for the dogwalker. I was working a ten hour shift the next day. She suggested I just text the next morning when I got to work. The next morning was a Sunday. She wanted me to text people at 9am on a Sunday in HOPES that somebody could come feed the dog lunch. I don't mind doing favors I volunteered to do. I do mind that if you know I'm doing you a favor and I work a fucking minimum fifty hour a week, you don't make arrangements for that favor to go smoothly for me. I just feel really taken advantage of. Just because you know I'm the type of person that will take care of and fix everything doesn't mean I don't need you to do what you said you would do in the first place. NEWSFLASH: I CAN'T DO IT ALL, even if I'm a crazy control freak that (mostly) wants to.

At work, I finally have a regular schedule again which is another thing I was feeling really ranty about. My schedule was changing week to week and I couldn't really make plans with people because I never knew what my days off were or if I'd be working any shifts where I got off at normal hours and all that jazz. But now, now I have a regular schedule. You know what it is? It's basically 1pm-11pm Wed-Sun. And yeah, sure, I should be happy that at least that will allow me to sleep the same hours every night. But you know what? You guessed it, I'm not fucking happy. Because before I was opening or working mids at least one weekend day which meant that I got off at a time where I might be able to actually see my friends or family or that boy that I really like kissing. Now that's not even remotely a possibility and to make it worse, I am the ONLY pastry person that has to work on Sunday because we're closed at the bakery now which also means I'm working service at the restaurant which I really couldn't care less about. Working service, not the restaurant. I'm a production baker, I'm good at production and recipe development and find no pleasure in the rush of service. Woo! I have to put things on a plate quickly! Fuck that. So everyone else gets a weekend day off and I don't even get a weekend evening. I would work a stupid I have to close Friday and open Saturday if it meant I got to actually see people ever because right now I'm so frustrated with my lack of social life I could cry. Actually, I already did cry. Also, I'm working service by myself tomorrow having NEVER worked service at the restaurant. So you know, I feel pretty good about doing something I have basically no experience or interest doing. And everyone keeps saying "you'll be fine, Sunday is a slow day". I don't care. I've never done it. Somebody should be working a shift with me. Y'know, just for funsies.

Filed under other things people keep saying to me: You're young, so you can do all this. Like five people of varying ages, from people I've been on a date with to old family friends have said this to me. Yes, I get it. I'm 25 and I have my shit pretty together and I've accomplished a lot and I do something I'm passionate about and blah blah blah. And I feel like people keep telling me it should be easy because I'm young. Really?! Really?! When you were my age were you scheduled to work 50 hours on a slow week? Did you work hours that made it impossible to interact with a large portion of the world? Yes, I'm fine with working hard and playing hard. But don't tell me it's fucking easy because of my age. It's not easy. I'm tired. All of the time. I got asked what I do on my days off on a date the other night and the only thing I could come up with was "laundry" because that's what I do. I sleep and I do laundry and I sleep some more and I hope that somebody else will want to go out on a Monday night and when nobody else does I will myself to not go drink at a bar alone and go home with a stranger because I'm fucking lonely.

I get it, what I do looks and sounds really awesome, and it is. But just because I love it, doesn't mean it's not hard. Just because I'm young, doesn't mean that I want my career to literally be my ENTIRE life.  Yeah, I'll just save all that having fun for when I'm married and having babies. Oh wait...

And on a related to marriage and babies note, I also keep having the "If you find the right person, you'll have time" conversation with people. I mean, yeah that's great. If I find the right person I'm totally willing to hang out with them when I get off work at midnight, if they want to see an exhausted flour covered me because I guess in this world the person I want to spend time with likes me enough to sacrifice sleep. And I was on this kick where I was like "well, if I want to date somebody, I have to go on dates, so I'll just make time for that". When? When will I make time for that?! And how? Because again, my available date nights are now Monday and Tuesday nights. That's it. So if somebody could put either some more days in the week or some more hours in the day that would be great. And while part of me doesn't want to waste my precious time off on people I don't even know if I'll like, part of me knows the people I do like probably aren't going to hang out with me those nights anyways. Who am I to even offer myself to somebody right now? What kind of relationship do I think I could be in? Probably one that I would be perpetually frustrated with because I'd neither feel like I was giving or getting enough. My schedule doesn't really make me a catch at the moment. Unless you don't really want a relationship, you just want sex on Monday nights. In which case, call me. I mean, I don't really want just that, but I'd like to get laid and I can't actually make more time in the week, so maybe we can work something out.

Really, mostly, I just want people to stop telling me I have it all together. I don't have it all together. I am flawed. Yes, I'm proud that I have coworkers that look up to me and come to me with their problems and ask for training and I'm proud that my friend trusts me enough to just take care of things. But sometimes, at the end of the week, at the end of the hard day, I want somebody to look at me and see that I'm just a girl. Just a normal girl with self doubt and terrified of failure, sitting in front of a computer screen with tears streaming down her face, not even entirely sure what the tears are for. I'm not looking for somebody that sees the me that always has things together, friend or lover, I'm looking for somebody that sees the me that falls apart.

I'm looking for people that catch each other when they fall.

Because this laptop doesn't give very good hugs.