I'm tired, so tired

Source: piccsy.com via Alana on Pinterest

 

So I saw this on Pinterest, because I finally joined and now I want to spend all my time curating boards (just like everyone else did a month ago) and I thought "Truth". Because, seriously, I think it's really weird to not own books. Really, really weird. I don't have that many anymore because of the whole moving across country thing and now I have a Kindle so any new books I've purchased have been digital (Plus I decided I couldn't get anymore physical books until I had somewhere to put them. I've also recently applied this to shoes, unfortunately there is no digital substitution there though). But then, THEN, I realized that most of the guys I've slept with this year don't have books in their room. True fucking story. (Oh hey, that was kind of a pun. Oops.)

And because this is the way my brain works, a somewhat tongue in cheek quote started making me think about the awesome choices of been making lately. And while that sentence is somewhat sarcastic, the truth is, casual sex is kind of awesome. I mean, it's awesome because the other way we tend to describe it is "meaningless". Y'know what? Meaningless sex? It's easy. It's easy because there doesn't have to be emotions. It's easy because you don't have to think about the future, you don't have to worry if you're going to compromise who you are for somebody else, you don't have to think about who gets the cats or which records  you want to keep when things end, there's no held over resentments, no past arguments coming into present play, there's no balancing who bought the groceries vs who took out the trash. It's easy. Greasy spoon diner sex, it fills you up at 3am when your options are slim but you're still hungry. And it's delicious. But nobody wants greasy spoon diner all the time. It'll make you feel sick, stop your heart.

The problem is, it's habit forming. After waking up over and over and thinking "well that was fun, but I don't need to do that again," you're not really sure what to do when you wake up and think "well that was fun, I'd be ok with doing that again". That though, in itself, becomes scary whether all you mean is "I could keep sleeping with this person regret free," or "Oh shit, maybe I could kind of actually like this guy" because either of those things have strings. Either of those things turn something self indulgent and meaningless, into something meaningful. And meaningful things have the potential to turn into messy things.

But the flip side, is that maybe, maybe they have the potential to turn into things you miss. Into lazy days in bed and Sunday brunches. Into having somebody to call and involuntary smiles. Into date nights and bad movie marathons. Into sex that actually is awesome. Because, yeah, a greasy spoon diner might be awesome, but it doesn't hold a candle to a gourmet meal made with love.

And I want to say, I had a wake up call and I'm back to wanting the real deal, because I know better than to settle.

But the drunken floozydom is just so easy.

Torn.