Give me a lake that I can dive into

I gave two weeks notice yesterday. It was bittersweet. I really love Stellina/Sorella but I just straight up don't get paid enough money and it's not busy enough yet for me to actually ever work a whole 40 hours in a week. I'd like to say I could wait it out, see if business picks up, but I can't afford it. And I've done this before. I'm basically a master at working for struggling small businesses. I work my ass off for too little money until I get frustrated and burned out. So Stellina and I are breaking up before we start hating each other.

Will I still be found there eating breakfast sandwiches on housemade english muffins, salted caramel gelato and distracting my coworkers that have become some really awesome friends after my two weeks are up? Hells yes. I really love the people there. I really love the broccoli at Sorella. I really love the bar. (Seriously, Sorella has a fantastic bar) But it just makes more sense for me from a budget and career stand point to move on.

Soon you'll be able to find sweet treats made by me at Abraco, a little tiny, hole in the wall coffee shop that is super into local, seasonal and organic products and where the pastries are a little more in line with my obviously hella NorCal palette. I'll be getting paid (a little) more there, have a solid forty to work a week and have input into the daily changing menu. The one downside is that I'll be baking over night but I don't think my anxiety and insomnia will get as bad as working overnights last year made them because I'll only be working eight hour shifts, won't be going to school on my days off and won't be working with teenage drug addicts. I think I am capable of making choices that will allow me to be healthy with a vampire's schedule.

I'm really trying to work on making those choices now in preparation. I'm down to one cup of coffee a day, down to 0-1 alcoholic beverages a day and have managed to get myself on a regular sleep schedule that allows 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Of course I've also pretty much just been working, sleeping and writing, but sometimes you have to strip your life down to be able to rebuild it into something sturdier. I'm working on getting myself back into the routine of morning and nightly sun salutations and maybe soon I'll add running into my schedule. My urges to go running usually only last about two weeks before I remember I hate running, so no guarantees on that one. Also my knees hate me right now. I finally stop going up and down stairs every fifteen minutes for those bed checks at the group home and instead go up and downstairs carrying sheet trays and 50# sugar sacks. Ugh.

Surprisingly, you know what has been helping me work on finding the middle way instead of going to my usual extremes? I have no man in my life. I have no potential man in my life. I have so much time! I have so much free mental energy that's normally spent thinking of cute and/or witty texts to send, or worrying about the future or thinking about dinner or wondering what's going to go wrong or when we both have time for a date night, it's amazing. Why did nobody tell me how relaxing and freeing it could be to break my endless cycle of codependency? Oh right, my mother did. Good job on knowing things, Mom! I mean, I'm still me, so you probably shouldn't take me too seriously when I say I have no intention of dating somebody any time soon, but y'know, that's my intention, we'll see if it happens.

Other intentions:

  • Buy real furniture (obvs. by "real" I mean "IKEA/not decoupaged boxes") once I get a little more money coming in
  • Figure out what I want my room to look like. I have no idea, I think maybe because it's painted in a color palette that is so far removed from my own I can't even figure out what goes with it
  • Yoga! Maybe Ballet!
  • That's it! Stick with making healthy(ish) choices and not overwhelming myself. I'm so much more comfortable in chaos than when everything is ok and I need that to change. (Sometimes I don't think I could be more of a stereotype of a child of addicts- OH MY GOD PLEASE GIVE ME SOMETHING/SOMEONE TO FIX)

Oh! Also I had an interview today for a possible super part time second job at a store that specializes in selling California wine. True story. What's a California girl to do in New York other than try to convert the heathens to our awesome ways through pastry and wine? Is it so much to ask that everything be farm to table and for things to be open until 4am? I really need San Francisco and New York to combine into one city.