I'm a massive ball of energy right now. The kind that makes me want to throw things or scream or just do fucking something. If I had running shoes I would probably actually go for a run even though I hate it. I honestly though it wouldn't really bother me to see Mark, but knowing right now that he's outside in the living room is kind of upsetting me. By kind of, I mean a lot. But I don't even know how to identify the feeling I have right now. I think it's frustration mixed with disappointment mixed with something totally unidentifiable. I want to cry but I'm not sad and this shouldn't upset me this much. I would really really like a klonopin right now. Really, like more than I probably should. I'm just going to write until I don't have anything to say, until my head is empty, until this feeling, whatever it is, abates some.
Tomorrow is my third date in basically a week with a guy I met last Friday. I think I like him. I definitely like kissing him. He's a really nice, funny guy, well dressed, nerdy, says all the exactly right things, you know, my usual type. I just, have moments where I don't know. I think it's all too much for me. I appreciate that he does seem to be more actively into me than Mark did and texts me regularly and asked me out again immediately and all that, but I just don't know. I don't fucking know. I made so many big changes and I keep acting like I'm just doing great and everything is fine when I feel totally set adrift at times. There's nobody here to be weak in front of. I don't want to end up in a relationship of convenience, which in some ways dating Mark might've been since he's tied to my life as long as I live here, but it really wasn't. Dating Stephen would be dating the first guy that is not actually in some way unavailable. I don't want just a fill in because I want to be in a relationship with somebody similar and I don't know how I could untangle those feelings right now. Stephen makes me smile. He does. But I'm actually terrified of a relationship with that much all at once. It must be what dating me is like. That's a scary thought.
And I'm going to ruin, everything
so it's better my sweet that we hover like bees because there's no sure footing, no love I believe
The problem is I could probably start immediately dating Stephen and I'd probably be pretty happy with it but I'm trying to be more cautious with my jumping into relationships. But I'm also afraid that I'm overcompensating for the fact that I know what my bad habits are and I know how pulled into myself and not letting myself really feel things I am right now. Seriously, he says all the fucking right things. Why wouldn't I want to date the guy that says all the right things and lives here instead of the guy that sometimes says the right things, sometimes says nothing at all and lives in another state? That doesn't even make sense. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I don't want to be dragging someone into something they don't want and I'm not going to chase after somebody that isn't wildly enthusiastic about being with me.
I still wish Mark weren't in my living room right now, because I'm really thirsty and sober.
Writing really did make me feel a million times better. It's like magic. Not as magic as valium, but less addicting, so there's that.
And I think I might've just untangled some of those feelings. I'm pretty excited about tomorrow night. Did I just write myself into some sort of circle? I don't know, but I'm in a good mood now. So it's also just possible that I'm crazy.
If this post doesn't make sense to you, it's ok, because it wasn't really supposed to and it doesn't make sense to me. Sorry. We're going back to the old school online unselfconscious diary this blog used to be.