December is darkest, in June there's the light

I'm choosing to knock out the first three prompts from reverb 10 in one go because...actually, I don't have a good reason. I've just not been making time to write.

My word for 2010 is struggle.

While I've made a lot of decisions to get me closer to the path on which I want to be, it's been rough. Getting out of food service and working with kids was the right decision even though it was a little terrifying. Working nights has not been my friend. My tendencies towards depression and anxiety have come greatly into play and to say I have trouble making myself get out if bed some days is an understatement. It's a struggle to make myself cook dinner, get groceries, go to class, even get up enough before work to shower. I struggle to not constantly snap at Matt. I struggle to not cry.

And even though my job is so much more in line with the woman as whom I envision myself, I'm so exhausted I struggle with actually becoming that woman fully. Right now I'm struggling with my decision to leave my job even though my new one has better hours, better pay and what looks to be a better environment because I struggle with my own codependency and abandonment issues.

For 2011, I'm choosing choices.

I'm choosing to remind myself that it's ok to leave seemingly unrealistic options on the table because you never know what's going to happen that might make them attainable and because they're something that could be worth working towards. That it's ok to decide I changed my mind, to voice that something isn't working. Decisions don't have to be permanent. I don't have to make myself miserable for the sake of saving face. I'm reminding myself to sometimes choose what I want to do over what I think I should do and that I should do the things that make me happy not just responsible. I'm empowering myself with the belief that I can choose how to spend my time, my money and my energy.

***

Matt asked me a few weeks ago why I don't blog anymore.

"I don't have time," I said.

But that's not true, it's just something I tell myself. I don't make time. I could easily fit in half an hour a day before I go to sleep, before I go to work or even at work but I don't despite the fact that I know it would make me feel better and sleep easier. I'm not sure why it's been something I've let slip by the wayside. Maybe because my intention with my blog was to share with complete honesty. It's not much of a challenge with my blog password protected. Maybe now that I've taken that away I'll go back to writing.

I hope so.

***

I've never been good at choosing single moments. Things blend together and become inseperable for me. I have a hard taking away interconnectedness.

I started off the year at a pretty high point, especially compared to 2009. My trip to New York got me out of my head, away from the asshat I had been with and just generally made me feel good about life. I wandered. I visited chocolate shops. I ate at every small bakery I went by. I walked and walked. Went to the museums I had loved my whole life. Smiled at the blue whale. Remembered what the dinosaur wing used to look like when I was a child. I rode on a motorcycle for the first time since my father died 7 and a half years previously to a tiny whole in the wall shop where a woman made the best damn pot stickers (or fried dumplings for you New Yorkers) I had ever had. I made new friends without any hesitation or akwardness. Went pantless on the subway, continued pantless to a bar. I was full of self confidence and adventure.

For a week, I lived as the person I want to be.

The title for this post came from:

13 Calendar Girl