So apparently since we got back from Vegas, everyone, including me has been having all sorts of bad dreams or out and out nightmares. Most of mine are just unpleasant things that would really suck but aren't like rabid animals biting me all night (Lara's dream) but the most unpleasant part is that I've been having really lucid unpleasant dreams and I can't get myself to wake the fuck up from them.
It all started for me when I was dozing Sunday morning/afternoon snuggled up all cozy in bed with Matt. In my first dream I was trying to wake Matt up and then he started convulsing and then he fell off the bed and he wasn't breathing and I couldn't wake him up (and obviously, this one is more like a nightmare, not like something that would kind of suck) and at that point I realized it was a dream so I started trying to wake up. I woke up, but I woke up in the dream and the super creepy part was that I woke up lying in the exact same position I knew I was snuggled up in bed in but as soon as I tried to roll over to make sure Matt was ok I realized I was still dreaming and immediately plunged into another dream in which my house was flooding. However I was still firmly aware I was dreaming and starting to really freak out because all I wanted was to wake up and make sure Matt was fine because even though I knew I had been dreaming what if I hadn't really been? So I woke up in the dream again, lying in the same way I was lying in bed, realized I was still dreaming and was submerged into yet another horrific dream which I really didn't care about because I was starting to really fucking freak out that I couldn't wake up and that maybe Matt wasn't ok and I just wanted to know that he was ok and tell him I loved him because I was basically in total panic mode in my sleep and realized that the most terrifying thing in all my dreams was how ridiculously scared I was of losing him.
I'm sure we could read into this and find some sort of meaning about my not so subconscious fear of relationship failure, loss and abandonment but what struck me about it was I woke up and he was fine and despite the missing him a billion times more than I expected in Vegas and despite my dream forcing me to confront that I'm totally in love with this boy and that telling him was one of the reasons I was struggling to force myself to wake up, I didn't say anything of the sort. Because I'm a giant fucking pansy.
The other day my mom was making fun of Matt saying he had little hearts floating over his head and pinwheels in his eyes.
"Where are your hearts, honey?" he asked me.
"Alana doesn't get hearts," my mom responded.
Which is kind of true. Which is not to say I haven't been in love or that I'm not currently in love, but that I tend to keep a pretty tight reign on my emotions. And I tend to stay away from indulging in hearts floating over my head. Because they all just burst eventually in some way or another because I hate being trapped, I hate feeling out of control of my emotions or my choices, or because people change or they don't and you do or they say or do things that don't actually reflect the way they feel or they just disappear from your life. Loving just carries too much risk. I'm impulsive, but I'm not a risk taker. I know I just keep writing this in some form in every post recently but it's because I totally have little hearts floating over my head and because I pretty much don't ever stop smiling when I'm with him.
And it's because I sleep better snuggled up tight next to him even though I normally roll away from anyone in bed with me.
And it's because when my mom said "You know if you date Matt, he's totally the marrying kind" I didn't even freak out a little bit.
And it's because I feel like I'm starting to understand how people can just be content with where they are and who they're with and just living an ordinary life.
And it's because all I want is to stay put and my desire to run the fuck away from my fears is absolutely non existent.
Basically, what I'm saying is, I'm terrified but I'm not freaking out. And I'm starting to be able to imagine the future now.