A little more country than that (My Mom's Friend Matt, Part Two)

So when I wrote "My Mom's Friend Matt, Part One" Matt told me I should write about the conversation he had with my mother in which she tried to convince him to date me. But seeing as I didn't have that conversation I told him he would have to write about it. So here it is, the long awaited "Part two". All the conversations between Matt and my mother were written by Matt, all the rest is me filling in the other side.


"Dude Matt, you should totally date my daughter."

(Yes, this is really how Alana's mother speaks. To me at least.)

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"Well,you're a nice guy. She needs to date a nice guy. She's been dating this total douchebag; it's time for her to date a nice guy. You should date my daughter."

"Ok ... "

"No really. She's smart, and she knows what she wants, and she's really cool, and she's not crazy-"

"Wait, how could your daughter, not be crazy?"

"Look, she's not the kind of crazy you usually date. And anyway, she's HOT. Like I used to be ... believe it or not, I was hot once. So yeah, she's hot, and she cooks and stuff. She's got this blog, it's called 'Butter is Love', and she's got this other one that talks about personal stuff, that one is 'Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm Indie and You're Punk.' Just google that shit, it's the first hit. Go check it out."

"OK, so not only are you trying to get me to date your daughter, but you're encouraging me to cyberstalk her?"


Text message conversation. Notice which of us uses full words and punctuation...

"Matt says he is cyber stalking u on facebook. And 'it would be a priveledge to meet her'. And he know yer boyfriend. And doesn't like him much"

"What? Really? That is weird"

"He did go to El Molino but says he can't find u in his yearbook. And u look cute in an apron"

I start looking through my pictures on facebook and realize that there are no super recent pictures of me with an apron but there are a shit ton. Seriously, I wear aprons a lot. And then I start thinking he must really be in depth facebook stalking me if he got that far into my pictures. Or you know, my mother could've told him about my blogs, without me knowing.

"Well, not being able to find a picture of 14 year old me is probably for the best."

"Perhaps. Anyway. His name is Matt M------- and he says his facebook page has a picture of him sitting on the tailgate of a pickup with a sawed off shotgun, but don't let that fool u. I told u he likes guns..."

"Ok, I'll stalk him back"

"You are right. He's cute. I'm in."


Here's something interesting that happened to me today. When I ran into your mom this evening, she explained to me that she'd spent "a car ride" trying to convince her daughter meet me.

Having very seldom been told that "I need to meet" someone in any capacity other than that I might find them to be quirky or something, I gave absolutely no thought whatsoever to how strange that might actually be.

She's told me (you might be pleased to hear) all sorts of wonderful things about you. What's more, is that she proclaimed she could further prove all of these things by directing me to "blogs and twitter and the El Molino yearbook, and stuff." Not seeing any other way than to be a creepy asshole, I engaged in the time honored pass time of creepy assholes everywhere, and looked up someone I've never met on the internet.

And lo and behold here I am, sending a message to someone I've never met, trying desperately to think of something to say that's appropriate for a situation I've never been in before. :) Kinda strange right?

Anyway, I read a part of your blog. It was really interesting and well written (you probably know this); I started feeling like a total creeper though on account of how honest it was. I suppose it would've been different if it was someone I never intended to meet, or someone I'd already met, but I felt a little off about reading gobs of (what seem to me to be) really open commentary about someone who probably knows little or nothing about me. So, since so much of you is freely available for the reading (I'm wondering how many points I lost for my shotgun) it's only fair for me to at least try to explain a little about who I am.

So I'm 25. I grew up in west Sonoma County, primarily on an apple ranch. Went to Forestville School (GO VIKINGS!) and El Molino (GO LIONS!). I live in Santa Rosa now, out in Rincon Valley, about half a block down from where your mom lives. I go to the JC (GO BEAR CUBS!). Since high school I've worked in construction, logging, and I did a stint as a professional online gambler. I have this one pair a leather flip-flops that all my redneck friends make fun of me for wearing, but I don't care. They also make fun of me because I talk to my cat like it's a person, but I don't care about that either. I drive a super junky old Ford Taurus that's light blue, but everyone says it's periwinkle blue, which they seem to think is really really funny. They call my car the Periwinkler (GO ME!). I have running hot water. I live with one of my best friends and his girlfriend, who is also a close friend of mine. I love music, even if some of my musical choices attract criticism from my more cynical friends (like Simon and Garfunkle). I'm a bit of night owl. I'm impartial to long walks on the beach. One time my grandpa towed my truck home with his tractor ... they were both Fords. I'm constantly fixing my friend's computers. My favorite restaurant use to be Equus before they fucked everything all up.

Believe me, I've got many many more useless pieces of information about myself (which I'm sure you'd be absolutely thrilled to hear about), but I'll spare you. I hope I've at least partially made up for the fact that I had absolutely nothing worthwhile on my Facebook page. Hopefully it's also somewhat made up for the fact your first picture of me you saw was me sitting on my friend's tailgate holding a shotgun (which was about three years ago ... by and by). Trust me, if I had a picture of me running out of a burning house with armloads of puppies, I would've quickly made that my default picture. Sadly no one was there that day.

Hopefully I've made this a little less strange, or at least made a total ass out of myself, which sometimes can have to same effect. My phone number is ***-****, maybe you'd like to grab some coffee sometime?


I read this message and have a minor heart attack. Seriously? Awesome. My mom is like, here look, read about my daughter being neurotic and drunkenly sleeping with people, that'll totally make you want to date her... I swear, only my mother...


"Maybe if you're going to set me up on a date you shouldn't tell the guy about my blog in which I write about being a crazy floozy... Just sayin'"

"He thinks ur adorable. He says the picture in the apron and the dead animal thing are really hot"

"He sent me a pretty amusing message on facebook, so I'm willing to forgive you."

"Matt was impressed that u don't just blog about 'Oh, I like shoes, airhead airhead, etc'. Although I pointed out that you do like shoes..."

"Ur blog is FANTASTIC"

"Oh. And he's sitting right here in my living room..."

"Did you facebook him back?"



[Present are Matt, Siobhan, and perhaps two other people.]

"Oh man," *yawn* "I am tired." Understandably so, it was early ... ish.

"Oh yeah? Up all night fucking my daughter?" Followed by the kind of laughter that can only come as a result of embarrassing not only one of the people present, but also one of your children in absentia.


[via text]

"So you're luring my daughter to your lair already?"

"Well it was either go out to eat, or eat something here. Plus, I've got hella movies."

"Oh Jesus, I don't wanna know that. I don't want to know about you breaking the bed." etc. etc. etc.


"Just use protection."


"Too much information Matt."

"You fucking sicko. I said movies. movies. M-O-V-I-E-S. MOV-I-ES. Films."


[also via text]

"Awww, Alana sent me a cute message." -M

"Gag." -S

"Stupid fucking iPhone autocorrect ..." -S

"FAG!" -S

Really, Mother? Really? Really? No, seriously, REALLY?


"I feel like since I can read all about your dating history on the internet, I should tell you about mine."

Of course, my mother had already given me a brief synopsis (God knows what my mother has told us about each other that each of us has no idea about...) but I want to hear the story straight from the horses mouth. I get the details on the crazy bitches and the not knowing what they want.

"I know what I want and right now it looks an awful lot exactly like this. I'm not the kind of guy that's going to do a bunch of shit right away so you'll date me and then never do it again. I'm not going to treat you differently in front of my friends. I'm not the kind of person that's going to freak out at six months. I'm a simple kind of guy, what you see is what you get... and it's all yours."