Find me a find, catch me a catch (My Mom's Friend Matt, Part One)

"So I think you should date my friend Matt"

"Oh?" I respond to my mother in that way Jacob and Lara call the "Grandma Susan Oh". It's coupled with a slight raise of one eyebrow and a tone that basically says "I think you're totally insane/wrong/nonsensical but I'm far too polite to say it". Anyways...

"Yeah, he's hella hot and hella funny and hella tall"

(Yes, this really is how my mother speaks)

"Mom, I'm 5'2", it doesn't really matter if he's hella tall"

"Yeah but nobody wants to date small guys. Whether it's their height or their you-know, they all have fucking complexes"

"Ok, valid point. How old is your friend Matt?"

I assume my mother is not setting me up with somebody her age (I mean, I know my mom is young, but 40ish seems a little out of the acceptable age range for me) but it seems better safe than sorry.

"I don't know, I think he might be like a year older than you. You know, my friend Matt, haven't you met him? My friend Matt who works at the Texaco?"

"Oooh, your friend Matt works at the Texaco. You've totally talked about him, I've never met him... wait, you want to set me up with your friend who works at the gas station?!"

"He just happens to work at the gas station. I met him at meetings and then I realized he worked at the Texaco by my old house. Then when I moved to Rincon Valley he turned out to live right around the corner. Anyway, he's hella hot and hella intelligent and he dates crazy hot girls."

"As in crazy hot like super hot or as in crazy and hot?"


"Umm, I don't think I really embody those things"

"Well I don't think he wants to keep dating crazy girls, which is why you should date him and you're hot"

"You have to say that you're my mother. I'm a cute nerdy girl, not a crazy hot girl"

"I think you're a hot girl AND a nerdy girl"

Is that not like the most mom response ever?

"Hot girls pretty much equal crazy. It's like a personality type as well as a physical description... Aren't you supposed to be setting me up with a rich Jewish doctor or something if you're suddenly going to be the type of mother that finds me a nice boy?"

"What?! Then you'd have to sleep with some hairy, big nosed guy."

I think I just stared at my mother and don't point out the obvious My mother is a shiksa, I am not. You do the math.

"Besides, he's in school to be a paramedic"

"So he's hella funny, hot, tall and intelligent and he's in school to be a paramedic?" with another eyebrow raise.


"So what's wrong with him?"

"Well he's in recovery"

"We already established that"

"And he dates crazy bitches"

"Those are not really problems"

"Does he use correct grammar?"

Yeah, whatever, judge me if you will for asking this question but I had just read SOOOO many OkCupid profiles and I'm fairly certain that would make you ask this also. And thus begins a series of questions where I try to find out what is actually wrong with him and be convinced that I'm willing to let my mother set me up on a date. You know, the important things like "Does he read books?" and "What are his interests?". We establish that she thinks he reads nonfiction books, has only recently acquired a car, he likes guns a lot and he may or may not be a Republican or a Libertarian but might not actually vote. Obviously, the political bit was where the biggest hang up happened and resulted in me ranting about how I just don't understand the logistics of Ron Paul's plan to go back to the gold standard (I mean, obviously there's lots of things about Ron Paul that make me want to stab a bitch [though it's mostly the people who solely voted for him just because he's ok with the legalization of marijuana because seriously, if you're going to be an issue voter, marijuana? really? that's what you think is the pressing issue of our time?], but this part of his platform I just straight up don't think could work in the real world.) and about how much I hate Meg Whitman's radio ads. Yet despite the guns (whatevs, I've gotten used to guns lying everywhere in the last year) and the possibly not voting, somehow my mother convinces me and I find myself saying, "So, what happens next?".

"I don't know, you guys go to dinner and a movie or whatever it is kids do these days"

"No, I mean logistically, how does this whole setting up thing go?"

"Oh, I don't know, I guess I talk to him and give him your number or something?"

"Ok, this is really weird. What if he just thinks it's really weird? I guess it won't matter then"

"Why is this really weird?"

"Because I'm being set up by my mother. It seems a little desperate. And weird. I mean, I didn't think that happened in real life"

"Well maybe he'll think it's really weird and it won't matter, but I think you should date my friend Matt"