And feel, feel what it's like to be new

It's the rereading old blog posts time of year. In so many ways I'm in the same place I was a year ago, and in some ways my attitude has changed so much towards it all. In some ways, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Last year I wrote "Manhattan is calling me. I always miss New York in the winter". This year it's still true. But in that post I didn't feel like I had my shit together in any way. I wanted to go out and explore, take more risks, but had no motivation, no real goals. These days, as overwhelmed as I've been the last week, I feel grounded, like I can just keep taking what life throws at me and move forward, not let it get in the way. Take the big steps.

A year ago I had just ended a six year relationship. This year I've just ended a ten month one. The two are obviously not even close to the same league of life changes. But a lot of my feelings are the same. Dating, falling in love, seems daunting and I still can't imagine getting to the point where somebody knows me the way Jacob knows me. But I know right now I really really want it. I don't want short term. I don't want something I know isn't the real deal. I don't want to date somebody that isn't going to be my best friend. Maybe that's asking a lot at my age. But really all I want is somebody that knows when I've had a really shitty day all I want is a movie at home and a giant bowl of mashed potatoes with a lot of butter; somebody who wants to share their interests with me; somebody who wants to learn about mine.

Last year I wanted to sow wild oats. I failed, but it made me realize that this year, I want the real deal or nothing at all.

Last year I wanted to be irresponsible and have fun, this year I'm over it but I can go out without feeling guilty, be spontaneous without regrets.

Last year I had a job that paid well, at a well established, well reviewed bakery where I had no input or creative control, this year I work for a struggling small business in a constant state of chaos for very little money, but I make my own hours and my own recipes and we're growing.

Last year I felt simultaneously stuck and in a state of flux that I had no control over. This year I might want to revise some of the major changes I made, but I feel grounded and in charge.

I still need to organize my house though, that one's probably never going to change.