This is where it actually starts to go down hill. This is the part I really don't know how to write about. Everything is tied up in anger and disappointment and so much of it is directed at myself. Every time I start to write I just feel embarrassed and ashamed. Ashamed that I've let him treat me the way he has. Embarrassed about my reaction.
Thursday was basically my own personal hell and I'm not even talking about family Thanksgiving, I'm talking about after I escaped and headed back out to the boy's.
I call on my way over and another friend answers his phone 'cause he's up at the house, I let her know I'll be there momentarily and as I go through the boy's gate my phone rings.
"Where are you?"
"I just told Cassie I was almost there"
"Get over here!"
"I'm in your driveway"
"Well hurry up"
"I'm in your frickin' driveway, I'll be there in a moment"
I hang up the phone, thinking, oh dear, I suspect I am joining this party on the late side, how intolerable is he going to be?
The answer is, incredibly.
Imagine the man that just a few days ago drove you to a town an hour away just because he knew you were missing some of your favorite foods, the man who was kissing you as you walk down the street, the man who told you he liked that you weren't interested in putting yourself out there, looking for a step up, the man who you comforted in his moments of vulnerability for the last two nights running around the house yelling "look at them titties" and groping one of your friends then periodically coming back to you and putting his arms around you and then periodically groping you and then loudly stating "I'm going to fuck you and it's going to be good" and then going back to running around groping more. At some point he also slaps the girl he's been groping and pulls the hair of another friend so hard she starts tearing up.
Sexy right? I really just wanted to jump right in bed with him.
Imagine that his behavior is poor enough that all your friends are telling you he needs to go to bed. Remember, you're not his girlfriend, this kind of seems like a girlfriend responsibility.
Finally he's on the couch, he's opened his computer but he's lying down.
"Time to go to bed, honey?"
"I just need to check my work schedule then lets go to bed and have sex"
"Ok, want some water?"
subtext: Even if you weren't way too drunk for sex, it wouldn't be happening tonight, asshat
"Yes, I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you too"
I make him drink a half gallon of water while he's looking up when he needs to go to work, he keeps telling me he loves me.
He says goodnight to everyone.
"Wait, Alana, you don't have to go with him, stay with us, you shouldn't go with him"
He gets into bed with all his clothes on.
"Hey, let me at least get your pants off, you'll sleep better"
"You should take the rest of my clothes off and you should get nekkid"
I climb into bed next to him, figuring he's going to pass out momentarily.
"I love you"
"I love you too, but you're very drunk right now"
"I still love you"
"How was your Thanksgiving?"
"Pretty fucked actually"
"I'm sorry, I know the holidays suck"
"Not if you don't let them"
I'm pretty sure his method of not letting them is not effective. If not letting them suck equals getting belligerently drunk, and failing at pretending I'm happy, I'll just let them suck some.
"It's hard, the holidays are my favorite time of year, they still suck"
"How can you like me? I'm such an ass, I've fucked up so many times. You are everything that is sweet and compassionate and good and pure"
Oh god, we have to have this conversation? Why do we have to have this conversation every time he's drunker than me? I am not an angel.
"Because you are loving and compassionate. Because when we're on our own you're sweet and vulnerable and fun to be around"
"No I'm not, I'm still the asshole you always thought I was. The sooner you realize that and leave me, the happier you'll be"
I don't say anything, I'm starting to tear up, the whole week has been such an emotional roller coaster, I'm exhausted, I just don't want to fight, I don't want to talk about things, I don't want drama.
"We're just such different people, and we each have our own lives and I just don't know"
"I like it that way, I thought that's what you wanted too. I'm not ready to have my life tied up in somebody else's again"
"Isn't that what you're doing?"
Wait, didn't he just say we have our own lives? Oh right, I'm trying to have a sane conversation with a crazy drunk person.
"What? No. How is my life tied to yours?"
A while later...
"I love you"
"Yeah, you keep saying that, I love you too"
"I do love you. It's just you want love to be this big monogamous thing and I don't want that"
And that's when I burst into tears. Not because he's right but because I'm exhausted and he's wrong and I can't ever seem to explain to him what I want from our relationship effectively and I just don't want to deal with it anymore.
"Dammit, I should've just kept my big mouth shut"
I turn away from him, sobbing.
"I love you"
And I need to get the hell out of that room. I pull myself together.
"Don't worry about it, honey, I'm fine. Just go to sleep."
He's already most of the way gone.
"I'm going to go hang out with everyone for a little bit, ok?"
"'kay, I love you"
I go back into the living room.
"Are you ok?"
I burst into tears.
I don't burst into tears in rooms full of people. There are people I've known my whole life that have never seen me cry. I just don't. But I did.
I bury my head in Cassondra's shoulder.
"What did he say to you?"
"He just keeps telling me he loves me. I'm crying because he won't stop telling me he loves me. That's the stupidest reason to cry ever"
"It's not stupid"
"He never tells me he loves me"
"Alana, if you were mine I would tell you I love you and am lucky to have you every day, that boy doesn't deserve you"
I wipe my eyes and attempt to join the party.
And then it's just Ben and I and I'm near tears again.
"It's like he want a girlfriend as long as he doesn't have to be a boyfriend"
"I think that's fairly accurate. I mean, let's face it, the guy's been an asshole lately, I'm kind of glad I'm moving to Texas just to get away from all this"
It's 2:30 a.m. and there's a knock on the door. One of the boy's college buddies and a magnum (maybe double magnum, does such a thing exist?) of beer that will feature in part four of this installment, ( 'cause it's getting late and this part is taking a lot longer than I thought it would).
"What the hell?! I thought you weren't coming until Saturday?"
"I texted Che and said I was coming at 3"
"He didn't say anything about it, he passed out a while ago"
It is later revealed that the text read "see you at three" which the boy though meant he was showing up at three on Saturday.
"I should really get going, goodnight you guys"
"'Night Ben. Want me to try and wake him up"
"Sure, take the beer with you"
I attempt to wake him up just enough so he can say hi but he's out cold so I go back into the living room.
Kyle has opened a beer so I pour myself another. We chat for a while, he asks me about the evening. A little while later the boy's roommate comes in and joins us.
"Where've you been?"
"I fell asleep after Thanksgiving, I just woke up"
More chatting, she goes back out to her boathouse and goes to sleep.
I'm still drinking. Yes, really.
Around 3:30 a.m. the boy stumbles out of his room in just his boxers.
"Kyle? What the hell? Let me put some clothes on, I figured it was just the girls"
He comes back out, fully dressed. I find another bottle of wine. More drinking more talking. And if you're wondering if I"m not being specific because my memory is a little hazy, wonder no more. I vaguely remember that I must have been somewhat amusing because the boy kept saying "See why I love this girl?" and smiling at me in the "you're amazing" sort of way. He makes me promise I'll take Kyle wine tasting the next day before going back to bed. Kyle and I start talking again and somehow it turns into talking about whether or not everyone can be rehabilitated and if there are people that can't be should they get the death penalty and I'm getting passionate and upset and Kyle has taken my hands in his as I'm getting increasingly closer to tears again. I find myself thinking "this boy's pretty cute and sweet and I'm still pretty pissed off at Che and don't really want to go get in bed with him..." and then "Alana! Really? You don't actually want to sleep with other people, it's 4 in the morning don't make a stupid drunk decision" We talk for a while longer, I get more and more agitated.
"I'm sorry, this is actually upsetting you, you can't treat it as a hypothetical, can you? I don't want to upset you, it's late, we should go to bed"
I remember walking towards the bedroom doors.
Apparently I undressed before getting into bed. Apparently I also had sex twice. Yeah, I blacked out sex. Feeling pretty awesome about myself. Really really awesome.
I wake up to the boy hopping out of bed.
"Time to get ready for work, rise and shine darling"
"I don't have to go to work, let me sleep"
"Ok, but remember you promised to take Kyle wine tasting"
"I love you, beautiful. I'll kiss you goodbye before I leave"
"love you too"
A while later he brings me a cup of coffee. It's sweet but I really just want to sleep.
"Thanks, you're amazing, I love you"
"Love you too gorgeous"
Dear God, why won't he just let me sleep? Why are we still saying I love you? I'm still angry. He's being so sweet. What has happened? My head hurts, I just want to sleep more...
And I swear my next post will tie up this drama.