Things you might be asking yourselves (because I know, internet friends, that you totally think about me when you're not reading my blog):
Where has she been?
Did she decide to have a relationship talk with the boy?
Is she slowly melting into a giant puddle of uncertainty?
And hey... whatever happened to just my type boy?
Hold onto your horses because we're about to go on an exciting adventure called "Why the hell are people so fucking insane?!" and answer all these questions. I know, you just can't wait.
So when I'm at the boy's house a lot I don't do much blogging because a) for obvious reasons, he doesn't know this blog exists b) his internet connection is through the 3G network and is spotty and slow and I can't use my own laptop so I do all my checking up on the internetz with my iphone (which is somehow faster even though it's an old one so it's on Edge...) and c) well actually it's really all about "a". So that's where I've been.
Did I make the mistake of talking to the boy and trying to nail down what exactly our relationship was? Yes. Did it turn into a big dramatic multiple hour long talk? Do I really need to answer that- have you not figured out how much the boy likes to blow everything out of proportion? All I really wanted to establish with the talk was that we were in some form of vaguely committed relationship. I didn't need to talk about the future, I didn't want more than the in between friends with benefits and dating thing we had going on. I just wanted to confirm that we were on the same page.
Bits and pieces:
"So you said you wanted to talk. I assume you want to take things to the next level."
"Actually I just wanted to talk about why I've been so crazy emotional and insecure the last few days"
And then I start tearing up slightly. I haven't said anything yet and I'm already crying. Awesome.
"It's ok, you can be emotional in front of me."
"Yeah,but I hate being this crazy emotional. It doesn't matter who it's in front of. Anyways... So, you dumped me two months ago pretty definitely and conclusively"
"But now we're sleeping together again and I think the reason I'm so crazy is I'm just confused as all fuck. Where are we relationship wise? What the hell are we doing? What do you want?"
"What do you want?"
Uh oh. Deflecting the question back at me, this is not going to be a short easy conversation.
"Mostly, I want to know where you stand and what you want."
I will not be sidetracked, I am determined, I will get a god damn answer from this boy if I have to handcuff him to the bed and only feed him bread and water.
"Well you know I don't want to go full on commitment. But I really really want you in my life. If that means we have to stop sleeping together, I'll deal with it."
I put my head on his chest and try not to cry some more.
"Look, I'm not very emotionally stable. I'm terrified of commitment. It's funny, I never was until last year. I'm dealing with my father issues. If you want stability and certainty, I can't promise that right now. So what do you want? Do you want to keep doing this?"
I sit silently, trying to figure out what I want. Do I want a relationship, in which case I need to move on or do I want to keep being with the boy. Is this settling? I told myself I wouldn't settle. But I can't both be with the boy and have a relationship relationship so what do I do? What do I say?
"Why don't you think about it when you're not in my arms."
"I've already thought about it a lot."
"Did you come to any conclusions?"
We both laugh.
"I want to be with you. I just want to know clearly where I stand."
"This isn't going to eat you up inside? You're sure?"
I kiss him in response. More kissing ensues. And you know talking leads to touching, touching leads to sex and then there is no mystery left. Or then you're lying in bed and you're emotions are eating away at you and your lover can tell.
"This is going to make you miserable. We shouldn't have had sex."
"What does sex have to do with it?"
"Because everything seemed fine and then we had sex and now you're upset again."
"We were going to have sex again sooner or later and I was going to be miserable again sooner or later. I'm just still not really clear on what exactly you want."
"We shouldn't do this, it's going to ruin both of us"
I pull away and sit facing the wall. He slams his hand against the dresser and angrily starts getting dressed.
"I can't give you what you want, you can't give me what I want. We just shouldn't do this. This is just so fucked up. I'm sorry."
Angry, he's angry that it's not working. I stand up and attempt to calm him down. I tell him most of the time I'm incredibly happy, I just have doubts because I'm unsure of what he wants. I just want to know. We can make it work if we just talk to each other. It's not that terrible or fucked up. Trust me, I've been in one really fucked relationship and that's all you need to have to be able to recognize one.
"I want a close friend who can handle all my emotional drama and a lover. But I don't want a relationship. You want a relationship."
"I'm unclear on the difference between what you want and a relationship."
"I just want things to be casual, I don't want the expectations."
"So what have we been doing?"
"Something in between"
"So, if you don't want a relationship why have you been all lovey since you got back from Europe?"
"Because we haven't been in a relationship, obviously I'm happier not in a relationship"
Yes, you read that right. When we're not officially in a relationship he kisses me in public, stays near me at parties and talks about the future but when we are he avoids those things like the plague. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?
"We're not in a relationship, we're just two really close friends not sleeping with other people?"
"I don't know about the not sleeping with other people part, that feels too much like a relationship"
"Isn't that what we were already doing?"
"Well I kind of thought you were sleeping with Jacob"
"Well you spend so much time with him"
"Yeah, 'cause he was my best friend for six years. You spend most of your time with girls you've slept with and it doesn't mean you're sleeping with them currently"
"Yeah but that's different, it already happened, it was in the past"
Huh? Really? He thought I was just casually sleeping with someone I dated for YEARS? I'm pretty sure that's something I would mention. Also, and I'm about to get way more TMI than even I usually do, having unprotected sex with me? I'm sorry, but that just kind of freaks me out. If I had known we weren't necessarily monogamous, that would not have been ok.
And eventually we talked things out, established that I was not ok with an open relationship and decided we would just step things down a little from where they had gotten and everything seemed a-ok. Then the next morning I got a facebook message asking me not to come to the birthday/boatwarming party at his house that night because he wasn't feeling that well and he didn't want to be stressed about the things we talked about and the people he was throwing it for weren't the people I was close with anyways... Could we go out later in the week, just the two of us to make up for it blah blah blah... and of course it pissed me off. Most of my friends were going to be there, they all thought I was coming and bringing a cake. But I said fine, I don't want push, give him some space and just fumed the whole day at work. I got home exhausted in every way possible. Just dead fucking tired and drained. I sat down on my bed and all the anxiety, all insecurity I had had since about a week before the boy got back from Europe just left. I don't know what happened. But for the first time in over a month I felt calm. Just calm and fine.
I realized I didn't want a serious relationship with him. At least not right now. And I never really have. It's always been him to bring up traveling together or hypothetical children or what we'll be like as a crazy old couple. I've always just kind of wanted to try to be open with him, to not prejudge what our relationship would be and just see where things go. I was fine with being close friends and lovers as long as that was what he clearly wanted also.
He sent me a text around 3 am that just said "Fuck it. I love you. You should be here. I'm so sorry".
I have a spotty cell service at home so when he found out I hadn't gotten it yet he told me I should just delete it without reading it. Not that I would have, but you can't do that on an iPhone anyways. When I asked him why he didn't want me to read it he just said "I don't want to be the crazy boy". I didn't say anything because obviously, he's the crazy boy.
And things went back to normal. He was super sweet and lovey. We spent time together. He suggested that when we both have more money we go away together for a weekend. Then, on Halloween, I came over and he told me that he was just feeling super cranky and wanted to hide away from the world. I was feeling pretty crappy myself and just wanted to snuggle up on the opposite end of the couch and watch t.v. with him but he said he wanted to be alone, so I left.
I called a couple of days later to ask if he was in any better spirits and if there was any way I could help his mood improve and he never called back. He didn't call me to see if I was feeling better. It pissed me off a little. I feel like that's not even a couple thing. It's just a general friend thing. Somebody leaves your house feeling shitty, you generally check in with them in the next couple of days to make sure they're feeling better or to offer them soup or something. Right? Am I crazy?
He didn't come out Tuesday night for cheap pint night and that's when I discovered all of our friends (who, for the most part, used to just be his friends) were pissed off with him. Why? I guess he's been jerks to most of them in some way since he got back from Europe or they're just sick of hearing him whine. He's been pretty damn whiney lately (he has a broken foot and refuses to take pain meds, but that's just the beginning..). And they're all pissed off about the way he treats me. They all don't know why I put up with him and think I've been way patient and way nicer than he deserves. And when I told them about our last relationship conversation, the differences between the way he acts and the things he says, they all just kept encouraging me and telling me that I was way more part of the group right now than he was and that he's an idiot and he should stop acting like he wants a girlfriend and then freaking out when presented with someone who fits the description of what he claims he wants and gives him chance after chance.
And it was good to just vent and not feel like I was the crazy one. It was great to finally come to the realization that there was really nothing I could do, that the every six week rejection wasn't my fault. From an outsider's perspective I wasn't doing everything wrong all the time, I have the patience of a saint and he was just as confusing to them. I realized that if things ended, I really do have a strong social group and I won't just sit at home alone and miserable.
But of course that all threw me straight back into bitterness and confusion. No anxiety this time. Just anger. And then regret.
And this is where just my type boy comes into play, so we're going to sidetrack from this story a little.
The night I started sleeping with the boy again, I was supposed to hang out with just my type boy. I got off work and I was waiting for him to get out of a movie and call me. It was around 9:15 when I got off work and when the movie should've gotten out so I waited a little longer and then called him, he didn't answer (little did I know that his phone had fallen out of his pocket while he was at the top of the climbing wall and broken earlier that day) and as I was leaving a message I got a text from the boy. "I'm back, what are you up to?". So I called him to see what he wanted and he asked if I wanted to come over and get the present he had brought me from Europe. I figured I might as well, it was towards the neck of the woods I wanted to go to ish and if things were weird, hopefully just my type boy would call me and I'd have an excuse to leave.
All I wanted that night was to go over to just my type boy's house, cook some food with him, snuggle up on the couch and watch a bad movie and finally kiss him. Really, that was how I wanted that evening to go. I was tired, my grandpa had just started radiation and emotions we're running high in my house, just my type boy and I had been playing phone tag all week and he had left me the "I miss your amazing smile" message. But his phone broke and he doesn't know anyone's cell phone number and none of the people he was with had my number and, honestly, he can be a little unreliable. He went out to Ru ssian River Brewery and hung out with his climbing buddies and my dreams for that night were never realized.
What happened instead? The boy told me he missed having me around. He told me he was lonely because everyone had left on his first night back and would I like to spend the night- it didn't have to be anything we could just snuggle. He talked about how hard it was for him to be away for the anniversary of his father's death. And of course I hugged him and told him I was so sorry (and didn't say anything about him dumping me a week before the anniversary of my father's death and claiming we could still talk and be friends and then not contacting me until he was in another country and feeling sad and alone) and I agreed to stay the night. It was obvious at a certain point that just my type boy wasn't going to call and I also just really wanted to snuggle up next to somebody and not be alone. He asked me if I was sure I was ok with it. I said yes. I wasn't sure. But when he told me he missed having me around, when I curled up in bed next to him, I melted a little. And of course he kissed me. And you can imagine what that lead to.
I was lying there in bed, wondering what it all meant, thinking maybe it was just sex when this conversation happened
"This sure isn't how I thought this night would end."
"Me neither, I mean I hoped... I... I've been thinking about this for the last month."
"Funny, I've been trying really hard not to think about this."
And from that moment I was plunged into the crazy confusion of trying to figure out what he wants and what I want.
He fell asleep and I stayed awake for a while wondering what I had just done, if it had been the right choice, if I'd rather be back with him than with just my type boy, if now everything was going to be fucked up with just my type boy and I decided the he would've called me if he had really wanted to see me, that maybe I had just read the whole situation incorrectly, that I would just see what the boy wanted and figure it out.
And this week I went back to wondering, what if he had called that night? Or what if I had had the strength to say no to the boy? I'm not much of one for regrets, but even before last night (which we'll get to soon) I was thinking I made the wrong choice that night. I could've talked to just my type boy the next day, I would've found out what happened and maybe I'd be in a calm, stable relationship with a boy I've been crushing on since the 8th grade instead of dealing with all this constant drama and confusion. I realized I really missed him. We haven't spent much time together since the boy got back and the last few times the boy was obviously annoyed with/jealous of the way we tease and joke around with each other. One night I had just given just my type boy a hug goodnight and he was trying to convince me to stay up and hang out even though the boy had gone to bed. He was sitting in a chair and had his arm around my waist still and I had mine over his shoulders. The boy walked into the room and gave us a look that made just my type boy take his arm away from me faster than a bat out of hell.
An emotional dramatic conversation ensued (the boy was drunk and feeling insecure) that the boy would've given me hell for the next day if our roles had been reversed.
But the more I think about it the more I feel like a really shitty person. The fact that I haven't called him, haven't tried to hang out with him after spending so much time together for so many weeks- if I were him I would think that I had been using him, or leading him on, that he was just my choice when his best friend was gone.
But that's not true.
A few weeks ago, late night at the ranch, in the back of the truck with friends looking at the stars. The boy starts talking about people who don't believe in killing other people being soft, and not just super hardcore pro death penalty talk but shooting someone you get into a heated argument with. Of course it turned into everyone against him and I was trying really hard to bite my tongue, especially when religion started coming into play (he doesn't believe in the inherent worth and dignity of every person, and I may be an extremely irregular church goer, but I'm a pretty strong believer in Unitarian Universalist principles) and I know there were things he was saying just to try to get in a fight with me specifically. Then just my type boy voiced my opinion perfectly "If you don't believe in anything after this life, what give you the right to take it away from someone? Doesn't that make this even more sacred?" and at that moment, I just thought, "Oh fuck, I'm with the wrong boy, the right one has been here all along and I am an idiot".
So that's it, I am an idiot.
Last night the boy told me he had met someone and kind of wanted to start seeing her. Five minutes previously we had been sitting on the couch snuggling, he had been smiling at me and having me feed him spoonfuls of my cous cous. He had opened a bottle of wine and we were watching a movie. . I thought maybe I had just been crazy earlier in the week. He went to take out the trash, came back and just straight up told me he wanted to start seeing somebody else. I got up and started collecting all my stuff from around the house.
"Am I correct in assuming this means you are ending our not relationship?"
"Well there's somebody else I want to sleep with. I'm sorry"
He said the second I'm sorry with the kind of helpless shrug and expression you use when you mean "what can you do?" and aren't really sorry.
The way he said the last statement made it very much seem like the undertext was "you didn't want an open relationship, so this is your fault, we could still be sleeping together otherwise".
I wanted to scream. I wanted to slap him.
I hugged him and took my stuff to the car. Called one of our friends and went over to her house. And bitched. And drank wine. And bitched. Apparently he called her while I was on the way over. She ignored his call. She's possibly even more pissed at him than I am. (God it feels good to have friends on your side!)
I'm not going to lie, I'm still angry. But I'm not really upset about the not being with him, I was already pissed off and regretting the relationship. I'm angry that I didn't get to do it first. Angry that I'll probably never actually confront him about how much he was the crazy boy, about the things I put up with, of course, yet again, about the shitty ass way he went about ending it.
And I'm angry with myself because I feel like I so totally fucked things up with just my type boy. Angry that I got sucked into the excitement of crazy emotions and drama instead of going with something sweet and comfortable. Now if I call him, tell him I miss hanging out with him, it'll just seem like I want him around when I'm upset or when I don't have the boy.
I am full up with regret.