Just my type boy looked at me one night and said "you know, you're a talented, creative person, I don't see any reason for you to settle in any part of your life," and I thought, "shit, he's right, I'm 23, working at the terrible muffin job, living in a barn ('cause I still was at the time) and dating the first guy, a guy not at all my type, who attempts to woo me, what the hell am I doing?".
It's haunted me the last two and a half months. Have I been settling? Did I just fall back into my old, play it safe habits?
There was this brief period of time where I convinced myself I wasn't settling. I was back in school like I wanted, I have my own little house in the redwoods, under the stars, and I've managed a whole month and a half without falling entirely back into my serial monogamist ways.
But then I started thinking about it more.
I'm going back to school to be an elementary school teacher, which is fine. But I could major in anything and then go through a credentialling program. Sure it might take me more time, but I might as well be majoring in something I really want to major in if my plan is to be a teacher anyways. Why not major in English or linguistics or French or gender studies if I'm already planning on using my liberal arts degree to be a teacher? So next semester I'm going to go ahead and take some classes that I just want to take. I'm going to learn for learning's sake. Calculus and Physics and more French, here I come!
My own home, living in Sonoma County. It was a little terrifying for me to move back home. It still is a little terrifying even though my biggest fear, my fear that I would just hole myself up in my room and have no life, hasn't happened. But what I really want, is to have the courage to move somewhere else completely. Barring that, what I really want, is to go back to my travelling ways. The boy keeps travelling, just my type boy is going to Thailand soon, and it's making me jealous. I want to go to school and keep my job, so I can't go on any big trips, but I'm going to find a way to travel some. I decided just the other night that I needed to make this happen, sat down and applied for a birthright trip. So, fingers crossed, I'll be going to Israel for ten days for free this Winter or Spring break.
Then we come to the relationship situation. Let's face it, I'm playing it pretty fucking safe. I mean, I basically have this boy that I have all the aspects of a relationship with but without having the risk of a real relationship. We're both big fat chickens and I thought I was totally ok with it. I have someone to snuggle up next to watching television, to fall asleep on, to make brunch with and maybe that could slowly turn into something more but if not, no big deal. He could be my placeholder. But the longer it's gone without progressing, the more I've thought about whether or not I actually want it to or if I even want to be in a relationship at all. There's the conflict of feeling the "fuck relationships" and the "there's a hot, nerdy, kind of awkward boy who compliments me all the time and I sleep cuddled up next to once or twice a week who really is just my type". Right down to not really knowing what he wants to do with his life. Maybe a little too my type... And I keep wondering if a huge part of the attraction is the comfort and the familiarity, the doing what's expected mixed with old, unrequieted feelings and lingering sexual tension. It could be so easy. There's no being swept off my feet, there's no infatuation, there's no "oh my god, I'm so in love with you" but there's the making me laugh, my lack of self consciousness around him, the always having a good time. I just don't know if I'm prepared to stick myself out there right now and I don't know if that's settling or if the sweep you off your feet sorts of feeling are always going to be the ones that don't last (like the boy).
Then there's the whole question of whether or not I'm actually over the boy. I really really thought I was, that I could just think of him as an asshat until he started sending me messages on facebook and commenting of pictures and such. Then I realized I miss him. A lot. Not even necessarily in a "I still want to date him" sort of way, I just miss having him to talk to I think. And I know objectively I just should move on, but as my friend Kay pointed out, there's a lot of stuff that gets in the way of thinking objectively. She was asking how I thought things would be when he got back and I really didn't have a good answer. I really don't know. I don't know what it means that he's communicating with me so much and hasn't really talked to Kay or just my type boy at all. I really don't think I'll know how I feel about him until I see him. I don't think I want to go back to dating him no matter what. Again, I'm just not prepared for the risk right now.
So welcome to me no longer settling, to hopefully being proactive and getting the things out of life that I want out of it. It's going to take me a bit, but I will learn to take risks with my future if it kills me.
Edit: Just my type boy and I have been playing phone tag for a few days (which means it's been a whole four days since the last time I saw him) and my phone just got enough reception for me to listen to a voicemail he left a couple of hours ago about wanting to hang out and missing my amazing smile... yeah, as of this moment, I'm pretty certain I'd be ok with having a relationship with this boy.