So where did we last leave off?
The boy dumped me, I was unemployed and in the endless interview process for a place not opening 'til the end of this month, I had yet to move into my new home and the boy's best friend and puppy had swooped in to keep me from feeling too sorry for myself. That's about it, right?
So on to summation of the last couple o' weeks.
Moving into my own home helped get me out of my funk. Also the fact that as soon as he was out of the country all my friends that were primarily his friends started calling and asking if I wanted to come out to the ranch (the boy's house) and hang out. I realized I actually have a pretty solid little friend group going on and they don't care whether or not I'm dating the boy. I pretty much settled on vague anger or not caring as my feelings towards the boy and it felt good even though I was still dreading seeing him ever again. I continued to spend a lot of time with the boy's best friend and puppy when not in school and I'm not entirely clear what my relationship with him is now, or what I want it to be. I mean if you asked me, I would say we were just friends.
But then there's this whole I spend more time with him than any of my other friends, sleep over at his house, cook meals with him for his family and, well, we kind of have a history. Sort of. We're talking about a boy who has been in love with me since, probably, the third grade. A boy who I was kind of in love with myself from 8th through 10th grade. The only boy who the boy got jealous of me spending time with. I mean, the first time he came out to the boy's house this summer, the first time I had seen him in five years, we split a bottle of wine between us, talked about buddhism and basically refused to talk to anyone else for the entire evening. It was multiple weeks later, but the boy was the first (though not the last) to suggest that we just sleep together and get it over with 'cause there was obviously something between us. A boy who, unprompted by anything, will tell me I'm amazing and ask where the hell I've been the last five years. We flirt and we tease and we're physically affectionate but that's the relationship we've always had. It probably always could've been something more but it never was and I hate to be all silly and girly about this, but, I'm not sure I really want to risk a great friendship by adding sex into the equation. On the other hand, I feel like we've reached some sort of weird impasse where we either need to move forward by stepping up our relationship or toning it down. I don't know what I want and I don't think he knows what he wants either. Or maybe we both know what we want but just can't man up and admit it. Blurgh.
Also, realization that I was in total denial about my feelings towards the boy hit me like a ton of bricks last night. Until last night I was absolutely sure that I was pretty over the whole thing. He was right I was sweeter to him then he deserved, I felt like he had basically been leading me on and I didn't really want to see him again. But he sent me a message on facebook about how his trip is going, about how it's almost the anniversary of his father's death and he's feeling a bit homesick and down, asking me about his chicks that hatched and his dog, if his mother's doing ok and if his roommate is keeping up with the ranch work. Things he wouldn't say to or ask of other people. And this wave of sadness just washed over me and I thought "Oh god, you may have been leading me on, but I was fucking happy. I was living in cheesy domestic bliss. I still care about you too much". At that moment I realized that no matter how many times I've told people recently that I'm totally done, totally over the boy, if he came back from Europe and told me it was all a huge mistake and he was a total asshat, I don't know if I'd have the strength to tell him to fuck off or if I'd just jump right back in bed with him. Objectively I know I've been much better to him than he deserves but there's this part of me that hasn't quite let it go.