Today is my least favorite day of the year and I've never had to deal with it without a significant other before. But guess what.
I was discussing with a friend (let's call her Kay) my serial monogamy the other day and she was talking about her friend who was a crazy "less than a week between" serial monogamist that didn't understand how Kay could go so long without dating. Crazy serial monogamist asked Kay "but who do you depend on?" which Kay thought was a sad, ridiculous statement. I tried to laugh along.
But really, who do you depend on?
I know the answer is supposed to be your friends and family. And I know that I have fantastic friends and a loving, supportive family, but I'm not just about to show weakness in front of anyone. It just seems so much easier to have somebody that you trust absolutely, somebody you know will always drop what they're doing in your moment of crisis. Objectively, I know I have friends and family that would do those things. Emotionally, trust doesn't come easy for me and I often feel like the safety net I should know I have isn't actually there.
This time, I'm going to give this whole being single thing a try. Learn how to trust friends and family and myself. There isn't really anything healthy about only being dependent on one person.
I know I said that before.
Unrelated, I've spent a lot of time this week with the boy's best friend and his adorable puppy. There is very little that will cheer you up like the cutest fracking puppy in the world.
If that dog does not make your heart melt, you are officially a robot.
In case you think it's weird that I've been hanging out with the boy's best friend, let me assure you, it's not. I've known him since third grade and, unlike the boy, he was definitely one of my closest male friends growing up. I don't think our relationship has changed much since probably about 6th grade. We spend a lot of time badgering and teasing each other which is helping immensely with keeping me out of ridiculous self pitying mindset. But by a lot of time, I mean I've seen him 5 out of the 7 days of the past week and fallen asleep on his couch on 3 of those and only managed to wake up and make it home on one. As sweet as he is to be coping with me in my current emotional state, I want to make sure that I'm not just using him as my current fill in for my one person to rely on. But maybe that's how it's supposed to work. Boy dumps you, life is shitty and a friend comes along and tries to get you out of your funk. And once again I'm amazed at how quickly old friendships can be rekindled.
So this week I've started classes, seen a terrible terrible movie for free (GI Joe), somehow was only charged the child's price for miniature golf, played my worst games of pool ever, made myself ridiculously fucking sore at the climbing gym (I can go for free 'cause the boy's best friend works there- he probably need a different way to be referenced. Boy with the cute puppy?), puppy, puppy, puppy, slept way too little and generally tried to think about the boy as little as possible. As long as I don't think about the possibility of seeing him, of attempting to be friends, I'm mostly fine.
I'm glad he leaves for a month on Sunday. Then I can go pick up my kitchenaid and other assorted stuff, hang out with his mom (seriously, his mother is my hero and she loves me, which kind of makes this whole situation even sadder) and hang out with everyone else while cute puppy boy will be housesitting for the boy. I'm excited, I seriously can't wait for him to get on that plane.
My internet broke in the middle of writing this a few days ago when I hadn't had enough food or sleep. I'm in a better place but it's still fairly true:
The rest of my life.
Reaching the point of breakdown. The point of sobbing into the steering wheel, hoping that my giant sunglasses keep other drivers from seeing the tears.
I had a terrible terrible job at a wholesale bakery that I quit. So now I'm jobless- I realize this is my own fault but it was a really really shitty situation/work environment.
As soon as I buy textbooks I will be completely broke.
I haven't had a place to call my own room or home for over a month now.
I've spent the last few weeks not really letting it get to me because I was so very blissfully happy staying with the boy. And now that's gone. Rug pulled from under me.
Maybe my grandmother was right. Maybe instead of moving home I should've started over somewhere else. Maybe I should've gone to New York like she suggested.
Maybe it's almost the anniversary of my father's death which still makes me somewhat down this time of year and, if you pile everything else on top of that, it's no surprise I'm sitting alone in my room sobbing.
I thought I was changing my life in good ways. Making decisions to make myself happy. But I feel like I just keep digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole I'm never going to crawl out of. I don't know how to be this person. I don't know how to exist in any other way than having it all together, than being responsible and sure of myself.How did I get here?
Trust me, there is no beauty in the breakdown.