I'm sick to death of love and I'm sick to death of trying

And *poof* the boy is gone again. He doesn't know what he wants. I don't know what he wants. We got into Saturday night (well, mostly I tried to have a reasonable discussion with him while he was annoyed and drunk which was obviously a terrible idea) on the phone and I went to talk to him Sunday morning to let him know that until he figured out what he actually wanted in terms of a relationship, I wasn't interested in having one with him. Not much to my surprise, he started with a wry "So obviously, I'm really emotionally stable right now" and continued with "I really don't want to fuck things up with you and I'm thinking maybe you and I getting back together, maybe not that great an idea".

"Yeah, I really like you, but this is obviously not working"

"At least not right now"

And therein lies the problem- the boy still not knowing what he wants. I mean, he knows he wants to be friends, actually I think he knows he wants to be more than friends but ever since we started seeing each other "I really like you and I really don't want to fuck things up with you" has been an oft repeated phrase. Which bring me to my next point...

Isn't that kind of the whole purpose of a romantic relationship? To find somebody with whom you really don't want to fuck things up? And then risk it?

If you like somebody, care for somebody, love somebody (we've danced around the "l" word a lot) then there's risk involved. You're risking your love for them but mostly, you're risking their love for you.

So I guess, until the boy can man up and take that risk, he's my friend.

My friend that insists he'll help me move and that I sit (unnecessarily) in the middle seat in the truck next to him while we do it (move that is, not do "it").

My friend that still smiles that slow, sweet smile he only has when we're on our own, that melts my heart.

My friend that takes my cold hands in his and warms them.

My friend that hugs me a little tighter and longer than a friend would.

My friend that says things like "I'd visit you anywhere" in that serious, yet strangely vulnerable tone he has in the moments when the charming, bantering facade slips.

But just my friend.

Well fuck.