I'm just living on nerves and feelings

And this year continues to be a crazy emotional roller coaster. I'm just holding on for dear life trying not to scream too loudly or look too terrible when the picture gets snapped.

I know this isn't necessarily the most exciting way to write an entry but I'm just going to go ahead and break it up into three parts: the boy, my job, the future or: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Good

If you're not interested in all the lengthy details, just skip to the bold at the bottom.

Last weekend I went and saw the Star Trek movie with the boy (Which, incidentally, is so awesome I have now seen it twice. It perfectly embodies the elements of action and cheesiness the make the original series so awesome. Time travel, red shirts dieing, and warp core ejects- what more could you want?) blowing off pretty much everyone and my grandmother to do so. He was the one that did the inviting, it was unclear if he wanted to hang out as friends or if he was coming to the "I'm crazy" realization he suggested might happen. I don't know if he knew at that point. I had a really, really great time. I also had a really, really confusing time. Before the movie we talked like nothing had happen, during the movie we exchanged side long glances and concealed smiles every time the lady next to me said anything (she said "whoa" and "cool" A LOT), every time something happened that was referencing original series movies or episodes Che would nudge me and smile (yeah, we really both have watched that much Star Trek, don't judge us), I could feel his eyes on me every time I laughed or smiled and his body language suggested that maybe just friends wasn't what he wanted but I felt like I had left the ball in his court at the end of our last conversation so I wasn't about to make a move.

After the movie he walked me to my car, we chatted some more, he thanked me for coming with him, I thanked him for inviting me, we hugged. It seemed like a "more than a friend hug" but he's one of those people who is physically affectionate with everyone so I didn't want to presume. Then we stood there awkwardly. I was waiting for him to say or do something and, in retrospect, I think he was hoping I would do the same. But neither of us did, so I just got in my car and drove away to go buy groceries for Mother's Day brunch. I almost started crying in the grocery store. I came to the conclusion that I had just had a fantastic time with a boy I had been dating until a week previous and that I had probably misinterpreted everything and he really just wanted to be friends and that I very much wasn't ready to just be his friend.

I called him, asked if I could come by his house and give him his book and take my things that were there because I wasn't ready to do the whole friend thing yet. His response was a very cold "I'm sorry you feel that way". I got there and he was incredibly brusque and obviously upset with me. I grabbed my cake carrier, found my book and said to him "I really really want to be able to be your friend, but right now I still like you too much to spend time with you without it being confusing" and he just sat at the table with a book not responding.

So I did what any mature person would do- Sunday evening I sent him a message on facebook. It basically said "Hey, you were obviously upset with me Saturday, I'm not really sure why, blah blah blah..." and ended like this:

 And then there's this other, larger, part of me that wants to say "hey,could we maybe hit the reset button and just restart our relationship from that first night we went out, preferably before I started going off on you about calling me darling?".... So basically I'm saying, if you happen to be in Berkeley sometime, I know this place that makes great duck tacos. I'd love to buy you a meal and maybe a drink and actually get to know you, putting aside my ego and preconceptions from our childhood.

His response was that he had had a great time at the movie, that I was sweet and funny, my smile lit up the movie theater and until I called he was wondering how badly he had fucked up and how to fix it but he couldn't deal with my going back and forth with getting along with him like an old friend or never wanting to see him again and that he just didn't think we should have any form of relationship right now because I obviously didn't know what I want.

It was actually a fairly rude missive despite its sweet beginning. I wrote back (and at this point in reading this you're totally like "get to the god damn point of all this, lady") angrily of course that I knew exactly what I wanted and had been fairly clear every time we spoke that I still like him as more than a friend, all he had needed to do on Saturday to fix things was say something and that now he was obviously no longer interested so whatev, I'd see him around.

And at this point he called and left a message (I was out while my phone was home charging) apologizing profusely, calling himself an asshat, and admitting he was an idiot for not saying something on Saturday. He also sent me a poem on facebook, it was ridiculously sweet (not a poem he had written, just to clarify).We talked, he apologized more. Thursday he drove down and we went and got duck tacos and started this whole thing over. We weren't walking on eggshells and we weren't being overly combative. We both were constantly grinning like idiots. So far take two is pretty fantastic.

The Bad

I had my one year performance review on Monday and to say that it went horribly would be an understatement. Seriously. A lot of the stuff came out of left field for me. Basically I was told that I had stopped growing as an employee and that if I didn't improve in certain areas within the next month they would have to terminate my employment. I told her that I agreed that I was no longer growing at the bakery for whatever reason and that it was something I had been thinking a lot about. At that point I feel like she basically asked me to quit. There was a lot more to it than that, and I would still really like to do some good ranting but since it's work related and the internet is public I'm going to hold my horses for now. If you really want to know the details, email me or send me a message on facebook or some such.

The Ugly

On the plus side, my performance review gave me the kick in the ass I needed to really move forward with all those, "maybe I should move home, I need to figure out how to have a more fulfilling job (teaching, social change, etc) and I'm not learning anything here" sort of thoughts. So I'm going to actually do it. I'm going to actually get my act together and talk to my grandparents about moving back up, I've already started sending resumes in to bakeries/cafes in Sonoma County and I'm contemplating whether or not I should go back to school in the fall. I have no doubt that I'm an excellent baker, (this was not one of the things disputed in my performance review, it was, in fact the only, positive comment I got) that I love to bake, that even if I go back to school, I will continue to support myself through it by baking (that was the original plan anyways), that I will always bake for friends and family and have something to fall back on. But I've always done a lot of teaching/tutoring/mentoring/volunteer work and I think to have a truly satisfying career, I need to get back to that.

I don't know if that means getting a business degree so I can open my own non profit, localvore bakery with some sort of internship program for underprivileged youth or if I need to figure out what the non hippy school equivalent of "arts & social change" is or if I just need to major in whatever the hell useless field of study I want (linguistics, comparative lit and peace & conflict studies here I come!) and figure out what to do with it later. I can find problems with each of these. I don't really have much interest in the money aspects of things, I just want to help people and bake. Is the equivalent of a social change major sociology or maybe social welfare? I think social welfare just sets you up to be a social worker which I've never thought about as a career choice before, it might actually be something that I could find satisfying but obviously doesn't incorporate baking. Useless but fascinating has the whole "useless" part and wouldn't really help me figure out how to get back onto a focused path in my life.

Basically, I've come to the conclusion that I no longer now what the hell I'm doing and to think that I do or that the career path of solely being a baker will somehow fulfill me is folly. I realize that being unsure about what to do in life is not an unusual place for a 23 year old to be at, but I've always been a fairly plan/goal oriented person so this is all a little new for me.