So I've moved onto anger. Let me tell you, it feels great. It feels a lot better than feeling mopey and pathetic and "please take me back-y". Nothing better than self righteousness right?
I went through a period today of thinking the best thing would be to pretend the last three months didn't happen. Then I went through a period of thinking that the healthiest thing would be to pretend that Sunday didn't happen.
But then I thought about why Sunday was really what was breaking my heart and I started to get really, really pissed off. At one point during the break up he said to me "We were going to have this conversation yesterday, but then when you said it was your dad's birthday I just couldn't do it blah blah blah high note better blah blah blah".
A) I totally told him that I was acting crazy that week because Sunday was my father's birthday on Friday evening, actually we had a whole conversation Friday night about the issues each of us were having with our relationship. However, he was drunk and I was tipsy and I insisted we shouldn't have the conversation until we were sober and he insisted we should so it's not surprising he didn't remember. Actually he has a horrible memory sober as well, but I think he would've remembered that one. I thought he had remembered that one.
B) What the fuck? He spent a day with me at my most vulnerable saying sweet nothings, talking about the future, using words like "fate", kissing me and holding me, making eyes at me over dinner whenever his mother wasn't looking, asking me to stay the night even though it would mean at least an hour drive in the morning, and AND sex. (Yeah, I'm sharing that with the internet. I'm sure you're shocked.) Sure, all the other opening up myself, emotional vulnerability crap hurts like hell, makes me angry as hell but the sex part, in retrospective, is kind of gross. "Icky" and "sleazy" as others have put it. Knowing Che, had this happened to one of his female friends, he'd probably go hunt the guy down, punch him in the face and remind the guy that he has guns and he better not hurt his friend again (yeah, we're very different people) and he would not at all take into consideration that maybe the guy wasn't sure what he wanted or thought he was making the better choices. Che tends to think in reactionary, overprotective, absolutes. If only I had a friend like him right now to go threaten him and punch him in the face...
(Ok, there's a chance I would get all angry and feminist on that friend but even leftist, pacifist, feminists like me have their limits when their hearts get broken..)
Sunday really was an amazing day and I really don't want to taint it because he is a really really sweet guy (despite his overprotective, alpha male-ness) and I'm not entirely sure he was entirely sure about what he wanted and god knows I'm a sucker for the dead father card (it's a pretty reasonable card, I was all sorts of fucked up after my father died) but then there's the sex part, and the number of female friends he's slept with part, and the "I'm thinking this is a pattern for him" part, and you know what? Fuck 'im. He would not approve of his actions. I do not approve of his actions. I don't care what sort of confusion he was having. He couldn't have been that confused if he came down to Berkeley that immediately. Sleazeball asshat. Really? He wants to be my friend? Now that he's proven whose in control, proven his manliness to his friends and everyone we went to middle school with whose hearts I apparently also broke? And he criticizes his friends for dating younger boys because he thinks it's a power issue. Obviously sleeping with a girl first and becoming friends later is not at all a power issue.
And yeah, I realize I might regret sharing this all with the world if, in a couple of weeks, he realizes he's crazy and I forgive him (because, let's face it, I would probably make that mistake because there's still a part of me that just wants to hold him and tell him it's ok to let his guard down once in a while and it really does all get better- yeah I'm codependent like that) but what are blogs for if not for ranting?
Rant, rant, rant.