Excuse Me While I Break My Own Heart Tonight

I seem to have somehow turned my life into Sweet Home Alabama 2: You can take the girl out of the honky tonk... 

In case you thought it might be fun to be in a bad romantic comedy, let me tell you, it's not.

I can't quite figure out how to tell the story yet without complete loss of my dignity. It would be the type of movie that makes you cringe you're so embarrassed for the character. But it would follow the basic snobby city girl reconnects with country boy from her small town past, crushes hard and fast, there's cutesyness, exchanging of witticisms, romancing, and then of course the inevitable. The bitchy feminist city girl who really, at heart, is a small town girl with a fondness for recklessness and too much booze (which is part of the reason the country boy likes her, of course) gets too drunk, says stupid things and spends the night vomiting more than she's ever vomited in her life. She wakes up feeling completely humiliated. He smiles sleepily as she runs her hands across his back. He tells her she looks beautiful naked as she gets dressed to go to work (yes, she did all this on a work night, she's not proud right now, really really, not proud. Even if it hadn't been a work night, she wouldn't be proud right now). And then she doesn't hear from him for a few days, she doesn't know what's wrong. (She doesn't actually remember any of the stupid things she said, but you, as the audience does- dramatic irony and all that). She write him over the internets apologizing but not knowing exactly what for. He tersely responds that he won't hold the drinking too much against her but they will have to talk about the things she said to him when he drives down to the big city next week.

I think at this point we would cut to the discussion, the tearful apologies, the grand romantic gesture and of course the boy forgiving her because she was, after all his third grade crush, the girl who broke his heart by turning him down in 7th grade, the girl next door he can't believe he reconnected with and obviously, they were always meant to be together.

Unfortunately in real life it goes something like the girl feeling like shit, holing up with books and music (anything really, to drown out the sounds of her own reproachful thoughts) and anxiously waiting to find out when exactly the boy is coming down with a knot in her stomach. She knows that even if the boy forgives her, she'll never be able to forgive herself for fucking up so completely. And a part of her is still more terrified at the prospect of a relationship working than a relationship failing because she just got out of a long term relationship. She wonders if he sabatoge was intentional. She wonders if maybe she just wasn't ready for all this, if the timing was off. Mostly she hopes she hasn't lost something really really good.

Click Here if you're interested in knowing what song I referenced in the title of this entry (I'm going to try to remember doing this for all my song title/lyric titled entries, which is a lot of them at this point).